Wow.

I'm done (actually a good three weeks ago) with the immediate physical part of soul-searching.

It has been a most precious experience. It has been worth far more than the time and resources I invested in it. And it continues today. The worth it contains is self-evident. So, we will see what the future will bring.


But I wil not type it out in here. This blog has been a great support for me at times, a way of giving things a place in my mind by typing it out, but the sincerity of it has made it vulnerable to abuse. I'm not done figuring things out.. not by a long shot. But the information is getting far too sensitive.
I can no longer protect which is contained here: not all readers are of good heart. I have left AFTP, I don't intend to return unless I'm needed. I'm tired of battling ignorant destructive idiots and a few weeks ago I realised; even if we were to remove them from AFTP.. what is truely left?

To all my friends who still check up on this blog: contact me through bjwesdorp@hotmail.com and find me on MSN with the same address if you desire to remain in contact with me. I thank you for your sympathy, support and care through these past months.. I'm honestly grateful and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish you the best...

For those who are not my friends: I wish you well and hope you figure out your place in life...

Yay! The most important preparation's finished.. and it seems to be working, too... I'm really proud. Now, will it work when I need it? Will I need it? We'll see, at least I have what it takes and for this week: the hard part seems over. It's a relief and I actually slept today.

Strange happenings these days. I'm going to be gone at a specifically weird time, so it seems. Worries me slightly, but I know I won't have much time to worry the next couple of days. Not that I won't, but it'll just be interrupted a lot I imagine ^^;; Can't stop the ocean from changing.

Oh, I'm going to be so busy I probably won't be able to count down. So to all those who know me now: Sayonara. Good luck in your lives. Be happy. I will not be the same when I return. This blog is now dead until further notice. Check back every so often.

Z minus 2 and counting silently.

[I've come to notice this blog is filled with cryptic messages. From what once was a very outspoken and honest blog, it has become a vague mushy kind of mystery-mansion. But I'm still the same, I just have to protect some of my thoughts and keep those to myself. It's life, and it's also myself. I'll keep an offline log, maybe I'll type it out one day]

I'm going to do the right thing?

Z minus 3

I'm scared.. deeply scared. God, let this not be a repeat...

Why?
My path is clearer now. I finally know where I'm headed to.

Z minus 4 and counting slowly

Pressure rising rapidly.. oh boy.

Z minus 5 and.. ungh.. counting

Pressure building... I wish there was some sort of outlet. But no go.

Z minus 6 and counting

Z minus 9 and counting

Work is over. Now I have loads of other things to take care of... crap.

Hmm. How to deal with myself until I get to it?

Z minus 10 and counting

It's been put on 'option':

I'm going soulsearching.

Today, more actual searching, but less for souls. However, the thingy inside me that I refer to as soul keeps yapping things like this at me:

Who the fuck are you?
What the hell are you doing?
You fool. What do you think you'll gain.
Are you anywhere NEAR up to it?
What are you TRYING to do.
Why do you hope?
What is there to hope for?
When you're there, what will you find?

Goddamnit.This is making this whole deal into a major stress-factor

It's been approved:

I'm going soul-searching.

It's been decided:

I'm going soul-searching.

and mygawd, do I hope this will be a positive experience in the end. I'm scared...

This isn't the time or place to express myself. Listening to songs I've only truely heard a few months ago.

Be strong. Keep strong. Fight. You know what you're doing it for.

I sure hope this works. I'm going to do my best.

I hate fighting myself. I truely do. Every way you look at it, every way it turns out: I lose.

Out of a job. Out of things to do. I'm looking at a summer filled with absolutely nothing. Fun you say? Depression is what I call it.

Want to work? No. More of the same won't get me out of this mess.
Want to go travel insanely about? Not really. Purposefully, yes. For fun.. no.
Do you have anything to do? No.
Have you learned anything about the future from your internship? No. Well, other than that I can actually DO the work and be good at it. Which is nice. But not an answer to if it's what I can truely be satisfied with.

Short bursts of satisfaction. Quick cheers. Comfortable praise. Feelings of companionship. Hooray.
Noone around. Shallow approval. Unstable acceptance. Loneliness. Hurrah.

I could cope with that when I didn't feel. Now I feel.. and I'm having trouble coping.

I need to get away.
I need to get out of my mind.
I need to be someone else.
I need to search what I'm looking for.

But will I ever?

Surprisingly, I feel better today. Not well. By a long shot. But definately better.

Besides losing my job, and running around whistling while utterly screaming inside, hopping in thorned trees and falling out partly, it's been an up-day since this weekend.

The power of one voice. Even for such a little while..

help me