Tomorrow's always better

2002-08-15T10:52:00.000-07:00

Wow.

I'm done (actually a good three weeks ago) with the immediate physical part of soul-searching.

It has been a most precious experience. It has been worth far more than the time and resources I invested in it. And it continues today. The worth it contains is self-evident. So, we will see what the future will bring.

But I wil not type it out in here. This blog has been a great support for me at times, a way of giving things a place in my mind by typing it out, but the sincerity of it has made it vulnerable to abuse. I'm not done figuring things out.. not by a long shot. But the information is getting far too sensitive.
I can no longer protect which is contained here: not all readers are of good heart. I have left AFTP, I don't intend to return unless I'm needed. I'm tired of battling ignorant destructive idiots and a few weeks ago I realised; even if we were to remove them from AFTP.. what is truely left?

To all my friends who still check up on this blog: contact me through bjwesdorp@hotmail.com and find me on MSN with the same address if you desire to remain in contact with me. I thank you for your sympathy, support and care through these past months.. I'm honestly grateful and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish you the best...

For those who are not my friends: I wish you well and hope you figure out your place in life...

2002-07-12T01:18:00.000-07:00

Yay! The most important preparation's finished.. and it seems to be working, too... I'm really proud. Now, will it work when I need it? Will I need it? We'll see, at least I have what it takes and for this week: the hard part seems over. It's a relief and I actually slept today.

Strange happenings these days. I'm going to be gone at a specifically weird time, so it seems. Worries me slightly, but I know I won't have much time to worry the next couple of days. Not that I won't, but it'll just be interrupted a lot I imagine ^^;; Can't stop the ocean from changing.

Oh, I'm going to be so busy I probably won't be able to count down. So to all those who know me now: Sayonara. Good luck in your lives. Be happy. I will not be the same when I return. This blog is now dead until further notice. Check back every so often.

Z minus 2 and counting silently.

[I've come to notice this blog is filled with cryptic messages. From what once was a very outspoken and honest blog, it has become a vague mushy kind of mystery-mansion. But I'm still the same, I just have to protect some of my thoughts and keep those to myself. It's life, and it's also myself. I'll keep an offline log, maybe I'll type it out one day]

2002-07-10T23:36:00.000-07:00

I'm going to do the right thing?

Z minus 3

2002-07-10T08:09:00.000-07:00

I'm scared.. deeply scared. God, let this not be a repeat...

2002-07-10T01:01:00.000-07:00

Why?
My path is clearer now. I finally know where I'm headed to.

Z minus 4 and counting slowly

2002-07-09T00:05:00.000-07:00

Pressure rising rapidly.. oh boy.

Z minus 5 and.. ungh.. counting

2002-07-08T00:36:00.000-07:00

Pressure building... I wish there was some sort of outlet. But no go.

Z minus 6 and counting

2002-07-05T00:48:00.000-07:00

Z minus 9 and counting

2002-07-04T04:06:00.000-07:00

Work is over. Now I have loads of other things to take care of... crap.

Hmm. How to deal with myself until I get to it?

Z minus 10 and counting

2002-07-01T22:04:00.000-07:00

It's been put on 'option':

I'm going soulsearching.

Today, more actual searching, but less for souls. However, the thingy inside me that I refer to as soul keeps yapping things like this at me:

Who the fuck are you?
What the hell are you doing?
You fool. What do you think you'll gain.
Are you anywhere NEAR up to it?
What are you TRYING to do.
Why do you hope?
What is there to hope for?
When you're there, what will you find?

Goddamnit.This is making this whole deal into a major stress-factor

2002-06-30T05:36:00.000-07:00

It's been approved:

I'm going soul-searching.

2002-06-29T01:49:00.000-07:00

It's been decided:

I'm going soul-searching.

and mygawd, do I hope this will be a positive experience in the end. I'm scared...

2002-06-28T06:06:00.000-07:00

This isn't the time or place to express myself. Listening to songs I've only truely heard a few months ago.

Be strong. Keep strong. Fight. You know what you're doing it for.

2002-06-27T09:14:00.000-07:00

I sure hope this works. I'm going to do my best.

2002-06-26T14:02:00.000-07:00

I hate fighting myself. I truely do. Every way you look at it, every way it turns out: I lose.

2002-06-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

Out of a job. Out of things to do. I'm looking at a summer filled with absolutely nothing. Fun you say? Depression is what I call it.

Want to work? No. More of the same won't get me out of this mess.
Want to go travel insanely about? Not really. Purposefully, yes. For fun.. no.
Do you have anything to do? No.
Have you learned anything about the future from your internship? No. Well, other than that I can actually DO the work and be good at it. Which is nice. But not an answer to if it's what I can truely be satisfied with.

Short bursts of satisfaction. Quick cheers. Comfortable praise. Feelings of companionship. Hooray.
Noone around. Shallow approval. Unstable acceptance. Loneliness. Hurrah.

I could cope with that when I didn't feel. Now I feel.. and I'm having trouble coping.

I need to get away.
I need to get out of my mind.
I need to be someone else.
I need to search what I'm looking for.

But will I ever?

2002-06-24T13:25:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, I feel better today. Not well. By a long shot. But definately better.

Besides losing my job, and running around whistling while utterly screaming inside, hopping in thorned trees and falling out partly, it's been an up-day since this weekend.

The power of one voice. Even for such a little while..

2002-06-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

help me

2002-06-23T07:50:00.000-07:00

Today is yesterday's tomorrow.
Tomorrow is yesterday repeated.
If you change, you change to something old.
Nothing really changes. Give in. Give up. Sell out.

2002-06-23T07:43:00.000-07:00

Worst. Weekend. Ever.

2002-06-16T04:46:00.000-07:00

I feel really guilty about my previous entry. I want to delete it, make it appear like it was never there. Look at the comments: I scared people very dear to me. Hell, I've even scared myself to death (Gogogadgetamazingmorbidhumour). Depressed? Yes.

I want to delete it badly. The memories of yesterday when I almost forgot everything. To reassure those who care: A feeling of hopelessness isn't enough. Even a lack of motivation can't make me do what I despise so much. Don't be frightened... A lot more has to happen before I'm pushed that far over the edge. However, what scares me so much is that I have no more rational barriers during, well, one of those episodes, I guess. I still have quite a number of mental defenses (or blocks) that work autonomously from my conscious mind, which prevent any further downfall. Reminders, knowledge, perception of reality, subconscious willpower, hope and dreams. A desire to belong, to find purpose, of love and care. But also some which would normally constrain me: cowardice, self-diminition, sense of trouble, fear of.. well.. stuff. However, having your conscience conquered by negative thoughts isn't too good.

This manifestation below might indeed look scary, and it is to me, as well. But inside, I know I'm a little more stubborn and principled than that. I may not feel well. I may even really consider doing it, but as long as I have what I have inside me, I can't give up.

To all my friends, I owe this strength. I don't know what the future will bring, and I don't know where to find my dreams, or what I should dream about. But I owe my hope to the ones close around me. Because.. where would I be.. if my friends weren't there.

I realise this is a public blog. I know my enemies are here too. And to those of you know who think this is fake: I know I'll think like you in a little while, too.

2002-06-15T00:44:00.000-07:00

2002-06-11T13:20:00.000-07:00

Yeah. I slack. Anyway.. got a good quote I wanted to remember. Will post it here:

"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." - Heraclitus.

No readily available reason.

2002-06-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

There is sunshine, there is rain
There is foolish, there is sane

There is right and there is wrong
There is laughter and the pain that comes along.

2002-05-27T03:16:00.000-07:00

Well.. the dentist's appointment didn't go well. But before that, I learned that my father was involved in a severe highway accident near Zwolle. At the time of writing, he's inbound in his substitute car, and though he FINALLY (after 4 hours) gave in to our pleas to return home, he's doing so by himself, succesfully rebuking all our attempts to come pick him up instead. Peachy.

I'll keep you posted.

There he is now...

2002-05-26T13:59:00.000-07:00

Oh.. did I mention I have to go to the dentist tomorrow morning?
Did I mention I'm not happy about that?
Did I mention I absolutely LOATHE going to the dentist?
Did I mention what dentists nomally do to me?!
Did I mention I REALLY DONT WANT TO GO?!
Did.. I mention I have to go to work tomorrow immediately after that?
Did I mention I have no clue when I'll be able to acquire necessary transportation to go to work, in fact? (ie. replacement for wrecked bikey-thing)
Did I mention I should stop asking rhetorical questions?
Right... Stop that. It's silly. I did so now, anyway. Goodnight to you all.. and have a nice day. today. And tomorrow.

And the day after that. Hell, have a nice week. A nice month! A WHOLE YEAR! AN ENTIRE LIFE! YOU NUMBER 1, SIR! YOU GO! YOU ROCK! ROCK HARD! ROCK ON! GO TEAM USA! [B]TO HAPPINESS AND BEYOND![/B]

2002-05-26T13:54:00.000-07:00

Okay okay.. by popular demand: here's a new blog entry.

And we'll start off with a bang! Yessir, indeed! Righty ho! Let's alll....*drumroll* APOLOGISE! *kaching!*

I apologise sincerely to everyone who tried to call/SMS/voicemail me today, or, indeed, for the rest of the day and probably tomorrow too. I won't have received your calls, due to my cellular being broken, or the mobile network antennae in the area being broken. Either way, I have no way to receive any incoming signals due to not having any range at all. Hurray!

I hope it miraculously fixes itself tomorrow or I will be looking to buy a new cellular, which will cost me an arm and a leg, money I have been saving up for a while. IF it is broken, that is. Unfortunately that is very possible. Thank Friday for that.

Friday was most likely the worst day (physically) of the last week. Apart from being incredibly sunburnt up to the point where I had a terrible headache, consequently and gradually shedding my skin (and whatever tan i had) for the rest of the week, getting sick on Thursday and having to barbecue with my dormmates (ghastly!) the worst thing was still to come that day.

In one day I managed to see two days' worth of work crash right in front of my eyes, seeing the resulting agitation in my bosses eyes, witnessing ANOTHER dumb quote my fanatically religious coworker defended, having my bike wrecked, getting my hands cut open and both my thumb-muscles sprained, seeing my phone fly over the cobblestones AND burning my hands on the oven-grill.In other words: bleh.

Saturday, I found out the battery from my cellular was dead and I had to go fix it. I did (got the contacts unbent again) but apparently something else is wrong. Or someone ran over the network's distributor, as I said. So, I apologise and I really hope I don't have to get a new one soon -_-

In other news, I was rather succesful on completing something only.. hmm.. 2 people know about and one not even as much as the other ^_- I wish you good luck on finding out who is who and what is what. Boy, is it nice to tease people sometime ^_____^

2002-05-21T12:17:00.000-07:00

Testing...

2002-05-20T14:04:00.000-07:00

Errr...

Ameland is cool ^^ Impression:

2002-05-10T11:41:00.000-07:00

Best. Game. Ever. (at least for now it is)

2002-05-10T11:32:00.000-07:00

Not to turn your attention away from the clearly far more important post two entries below this one, but this...

...is me being happy. Oh, and meet Kael ^_-

2002-05-09T08:21:00.000-07:00

That's it.... I no longer want to play this game in 'silent'-mode. So far those whose feelings I tried to protect by not blogging have failed to keep their part of the bargain up and thus I end this forced silence. I'm thoroughly pissed and I have a few things to say about them. So if you're in for a little rant, go ahead, read. I need some air, and I better air it here, because I know you clicked that link ^_- Not me! Honestly!

Now then...

The Crusades:

"The Crusades, then, were more than just campaigns in a Holy War against Islam. Religious fervour was not the only motive and the actual Crusades rarely went according to plan. The initial idea of fighting for Christ's birth-right gave way to combatting heretical Christians, pagans and "evil" rulers. The sack of Constantinople during the Fourth Crusade has been considered by many scholars the ultimate deviation from the original Crusading ideal. The failure of every Crusade after the First, the frequent degenerations into debauchery and drinking by members of the armies, emphasizes the abyss between the ideal and the reality of the Crusading movement. The inability to inspire commitment and establish a strong unified leadership or the strategy to defeat the Saracens on their own land, plagued each Crusade, dooming them to failure. Had those who organized them learned from previous mistakes, the result might have been different. "
- Teresa Eckford earned a BA and MA in History at Queen's University in Kingston, Ontario

I can think of little excuses for our 'modern-day' crusaders, but let us stray from our current setting a little and discuss:

Pim Fortuyn's Assassination (Note that the original Assassins were a people from among which ruthless suicide troops were drafted during the time of the Crusades. Nice coincidence)

Pim Fortuyn, our surprisingly popular right-wing extremist, was murdered on Monday on a national radio station's parking lot. Fate has it that me and my coworkers had, earlier that day, followed that interview with special interest. We have talked about national politics a lot recently and had even put up a special contest to see who will win the elections and who will gain positions in the new government.

Apparently, Daniel lost.

Pim Fortuyn was a gay radical, a man with a lot of charisma and a manner of speaking which appealed to the common man. He had such a radiant influence on people who would rather not hear the in-depth story that people followed him regardless of his ideals. He wouldn't have had such a big gang of voters if they were aware of that he had these extreme ideas. Like, for instance, that he'd never want to get surgery done by a female surgeon because "They only work parttime anyway and they have no experience in cutting." and that he'd rather see the man in the family That would sort at least half his voters out. Then you have: "Teachings with a religious impact don't fall under the freedom of speech. Let's change all the laws to adapt the freedom of religion." and "let's close all the borders for every Non-European immigrant. Shelter has to be provided locally, even with political refugees". And, of course: "The islamic faith is a backward one".

Suffice to say, he preaches a lot of intolerance and I can't really condone that. Of course, now that his impact on the elections will probably falter there's not too much worry that the sheep-population of our country will vote these extreme ideas into the next residing government. That is, if our dead Fortuyn doesn't attract a lot of sympathy votes, that is. And yes, you can still vote for him... freaky, really.

In any case, who killed him? Good thing it wasn't a muslim or European politics would have made a complete swing to the right. Instead, it was an environmental activist, who for some reason thought it fit to kill that politician for his opinions. I don't know how to respond, but there's something really disturbing about this whole incident. Fortuyn preached hate and unforgiveness, while the same thing came back to haunt him. Playing with hate and disgust is a dangerous thing, and apparently it backfired on him... which causes the whole nation to be drowned in mourning.

So.. catch my drift yet? Apparently our little crusaders are a little oblivious of their cause. Apparently our crusaders are playing hate on a sufficiently smaller scale, but let me tell you one thing: they hate. Without discrimination, they hate. And they're running into walls like a mad donkey on steroids. So sad, so sad.

No, but really, what are they trying to do? Who knows? From what I can see each crusader is trying to convince the other that they have shared interests in crusading, but if I look closer I can only see hypocrisy. For instance, one of the crusaders once demonised something and held it against me (as an example ^_-) and immediately after knowing it didn't strike home did that exact thing and stuck by it.
Seriously, how can you make a decision based on your own knowledge of humans and then close your eyes, take up arms and go slashing off into the dark? That's both rather pointless and unfair, both self-absorbed and stupid. So what if you fight the lonely fight, eh? You fight alone because you have no friends, you have no friends because your ideals are twisted, you have only 'friends' who share your misery. And that is all.

Let's bring up the fact that research came up with a few very nice statistics about the Crusades. Yes, indeed, the holy christian armies succeeded in killing off more devoted christians than they ever did 'heretic muslim devilworshippers'. A sad fact, but true. Misguided, brought under the same banner by very dubious intentions the armies of the West never actually succeeded because they simply weren't fanatical enough and honest in their faith to the christian heritage. While their flags were raised to defend the Holy Kingdom they pillaged Constantinople and quickly became divided so their warlords could gain vast territories expanding their personal power.
War, it seems, creates power. Struggle, it appears, can unite an army of undesirables, beggars, liars and thieves together. Hate can bind them, the lure of simple victories will make them digress. Needless to say, to keep such vast armies together a very strong illusion had to be created that these crusades were indeed of a religious nature. This would cause both would-be ally and foe to go out of their way to prepare for such a venture and in the case of christian onlookers it would create an aura of righteousness and admiration. HOWEVER, if one were to join up on these quests and follow the leaders of the crusade, they would soon find out that their intentions lay elsewhere, and that the religious venture was just a way for down-in-the-gutter royality and powerhungry nobility to earn some quick land and battle-won prestige from the already bashed Eastern Countryside.
Shiftly leaders, lies, mystery and deception... what kind of foundation does that forge? Can you name the reasons why you hang so desperately onto your unforgiveness? Then let the defence speak, and give them room. Fair judgement, you know the word? Where's tolerance, where's that open mind you value so much?

It's time to end this. You wish to fight for what you think is right: make sure you know what's right and adapt your viewpoints on a daily basis. Else it's not worth fighting and you look like a fool. Can you live with that? Can you live with yourself if you're aware that you betray exactly that which you think other people fake?

What disturbs me most is how our cute crusaders have managed to make a trenchwar out of something which could have been so easily solved in one meaningful and open discussion. But no go: our crusaders would rather be self-satisfied with their lacking knowledge of human interaction and, apparently, lacking knowledge of human values. Why? Why?
What rock did you crawl under from? Where did that hateful, despicable mentality come from? You don't like someone: you don't talk to them. You can't tolerate someone, you ignore it or go elsewhere. Demonizing people towards others is what we call pathetic behaviour. It resembles such immature behaviour as inciting strife just by spreading false gossip. If actions tell us what is in your heart, then what, my lovely crusader, are you worth?

And then we're not even talking about what simple misjudgements have taken place. We'll leave it at the stubbornness of our crusaders because else we'd only come to the conclusion that they do indeed judge blindly and uncontrolled. I've tried to find reason in their judgements, but so far I can find nothing, sadly enough. Sure, it made sense at the beginning, but I don't see how they can cling to it as if their life depended on it. They should have taken the hint and opened their eyes... I don't know what more they expect and what they would have expected so they could be proven wrong. Or is it really that they don't want to be proven wrong? Happy in their misery, are they...

It's been silent so far, and apparently that's not what they want. The crusade continues, just because it's nice to crusade against something. But let's not forget what our crusaders have lost in their endless fight against something they distorted so much within their narrow mind's eye. That they lost sight of what was actually going on is understandable, I suppose, but that in their frustration, caused by the fact that their crusade didn't bring the spoils of war they wanted, they began trailing from their original path is probably unforgiveable.
Collateral damage, oh yes.. clean fighting is for the wimply people who don't think all's fair in war, right? Well, I'm through! If you want to pull out the big weapons it'll get harder for us to keep silent, right? Do you really want us to fight? Do you really think we can stand to see how you randomly hurt people around you with things, with actions that no normal person can even think of, just because you also know it's gonna hit us?! What kind of person are you if you can't evaluate the impact of your actions! Get a life, and get some morals while you're at it.

I'm through. Give me one example of a time I tried to consciously hurt you, and I will apologise. Will you?

2002-05-02T23:08:00.000-07:00

In order of comments:

BinoX: Aww, I didn't see any message pop-up! Maybe you PMed me while at work? Still.. I should have noticed ^^ Try again, please

Patti: It's okay, that's how I work (if you hadn't noticed). Although lately I've had nothing I could blog about and at the same time A LOT to blog about. Guess you don't have to expect a blog about it anytime soon. And my absence from the hub is very much non-voluntary. Actually, your blog entry made me aware that the hub WASN'T down; that it was just me who got a 'disconnected from hub' immediately after trying to get in. For all who know Seth and can reach him: please go bug him to let me back in ^^;; It was fun in there.

Hime: You know where I stand ^^ Ik houd van je en ik zie je na het werk wel weer. Other than that, I don't want you to get in trouble over something which should be contained within me, okay? Heh ^^ Don't worry, y'all... I'll be okay.

Kaiou. Rin: Stop reading this blog.

2002-05-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

I'm doing okay, Patti. Just need to figure out how to get people to stop regarding me as their personal toy which "makes [them] laugh". Needless to say I've been hammering myself with insults lately too, but once I begin feeling sufficiently angry it'll go away. (Right?)

2002-04-28T22:49:00.000-07:00

not doing too good.. I'll be okay

2002-04-28T13:53:00.000-07:00

After 10 days... spot the bug!

Also, as a reference, please tell me your processor speed and RAM amount and tell me if it ran okay.. I need to know. Trust me, I do. I've spent all week on performance tweaking... it's hell.

2002-04-28T01:22:00.000-07:00

We mourn.

For all you who know: I will be in touch. Cleanslated.

I haven't only failed, I messed up. I cannot be forgiven. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart.

2002-04-25T22:52:00.000-07:00

As I'm looking at a completely new day at work, filled with JavaScripts total shortcoming of feedback:

Developers are clutzes.

On the VERY POSITIVE side:

I'm happy!

2002-04-25T12:45:00.000-07:00

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah *gasp* Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ^__________^

I'm so happy ^^ It's so cool. It arrived. Wheeeeee ^^ Yay. Hooray ^^ Woohooo

okay, I'll stop now ^^

*runs off clutching something cool in his arms and cackling wildly*

2002-04-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

For Kageki: Mac is EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! GO EVIL!

Well *cough*. Off to work. Expect a biggish log coming in this week ^^ I hope I can make it funny...

2002-04-21T02:55:00.000-07:00

Hmm.. I've been going through my old logs on my parents' computer today.. I found a few things which reminded me and which are nice to keep for reminders of this period (which hasn't necessarily ended), so I'll transfer them by means of this blog. No disks here.. silly things...

Anyway, suppose I didn't show all of this in here, so I'll do that too, at the same time. I'm not afraid to show it, think of it what you will. It's been public before, it won't matter a thing.

2002-04-21T02:52:00.000-07:00

Anger on the forum:

-------------
Weeelll... this won't be a nice post (sorry Solar). Not by a long shot. So I'm warning everybody who reads this before I set off to piss off a lot of people here. Yes. This will be one of those dreaded rants you have all grown to hate over time for wasting your time. But this thread is different. Way different. In fact, this would be the first rant that would be said for MY own good. Yes, this one is about me. And about all of you, or at least the ones I'm so pissed off at!!

I'm not someone who would just leave. Instead, I think my goal is not to leave this place. But some people have driven me too far, got me so worked up and/or are generally misbehaving that I dearly wish for things to change ASAP. If they don't, I'll leave straight away, no regrets, no remorse.

If you're worried that you might be included: you're prolly right. If you think I can't possibly be pissed off at you because I was so nice to you last time: you're wrong. If you have no clue what I am like, don't bother looking in this thread: Loiter somewhere else, or stay here and be amused at the angry people. But I'm warning all of you: Spam this thread and I'll shove your face so far up your ass you'll be eating your own feces until the doctors figure out which of the two is the face.

I begin:

Let me begin to tell you how I feel so as to clear up whatever mysteries you thought surrounded me. Instead of being made out of some rocky mineral, I am/have been

annoyed, pissed off, mad, angered, manipulated, fooled, used, taken for granted, lied to, cheated, faked, put off, set aside, ignored, discarded, forgotten and numerous other things that are probably not good.

Annoyed, pissed off, mad, angered
And, my god, I'm sick of it. I'm sick and tired of playing your little game. I'm not some whimsical toy, and I won't stand for what some of you did or didn't do. AFTP has become this fucking monster, ok. It's all about those things I made a list of a few weeks ago that totally fucked up the experience and feel of the former forum. Somehow love, hate and friendship found it's way to the forum, along with all the rest of the things that tag along with it. I'm not totally against this change of play, but, well, it looks like I'm the only fair player on the field. I see no reason why we shouldn't play the game, but for God's sake: Play the goddamn game as if it itsn't a game of Pinball!!

manipulated, fooled, used, taken for granted, lied to, faked
Let me tell you something (some of you might be unaware or have forgotten this): The last few months I have done my best to try and be a friend to all those who would accept me as one. Try to help people out. To reach out and maybe just mean something to someone else. To me that was a kind and noble thought, and I thought it was suiting and right. Boy, was I ever wrong.
I know that some of you might think it's fake behaviour,unrealistic, or resented the way I practiced it, but that's not my point. All those who did are not whom I'm angry at, because if I have not done anything for them, they owe me nothing. But there are others...
I've been naieve, or you are just the wrong kind of people. Whatever it is, some of you have succesfully drained the reserves of kindness with which I fueled that thought. I don't regret anything I've done. I would do things exactly like I did them when I started out doing this. But never, never will I have continued this long, if I knew I was going to be nothing but used.
Hooray! It worked! You have entirely sapped someone of the need to help you out, to give a damn about what happens to you! Don't you feel just peachy? I know I do!
Here, I'll tell you what people think I am, and I quote: "someone I can kinda talk to" "it gets so lonely because no-one is here to chat with in the hub in these hours" "I always thought of you as the always-present rock" "you are featured in my list of people I slightly like in the forums because you do stuff for me" "He's a more reliable connection so I get him to download so I can go download it from him". Well, it's not like I am the opposite of what they mean, but what the fuck? Hello! I'm a person here! Not some piece of furniture that is so conveniently put there! I'm not soft and pillowy! Hellloohoh!

What am I? A "Make-you-feel-better" Elmo? Hah! Bite me, kiddos!
What? A single-use shrink? Then flip me in the letterbox and ship me to Hawaii.
Who? A selfless monk who needs nothing? Forget it. They don't exist.

Do you remember an old and possibly quite dusty and boring saying: "Do what you want to have done for yourself"? That would be me, right there.

What I'm trying to communicate to you people (as you have been so kind as to ignore all the more 'subtle' hints I made during the last few weeks) is that I'm totally, thoroughly disgusted by your definition of friendship. Not only because of that Homicidal Mutant Clone you made out of real romantic love, but also because you lack the skills to show the basic fundamentals of friendship. Don't you realize that when someone makes a gesture (let's take waving), you actually WAVE BACK! Or tell the other person you really don't like waving and want him to bugger off and stuff it, at least.
And I'm not Scrooge: I don't expect anything back for a few waves or other nice gestury things. Don't get me wrong,but I'm talking daily stuff I've been going through for months now. All these other one-time aids: Forget it, don't mention it, it was nothing. But, my god, if you think you have any grasp on the concept of friendship and think I am: For gods' sake don't leave me out in the cold!
So don't say: "You're grumpy, come back when you are not" when I'm depressed. Don't make me send money, PMs, rants, sympathy, empathy, CDs, pictures, promises, kind words and reassuring thoughts if you're just going to put them in your pocket and say "yeah.. err.. whatever.. thanks?". So much for personal gestures. I'm through with waving frantically about, hopping all over the place if an ugly forced smile is all I get.

I won't put another ball in play! I'm fed up with it! STOP HOGGING THE GODDAMN BALL!

put off, set aside, ignored, discarded, forgotten
Well.. as kind of an intermission, let me ask you this question:

Who do you think I am?
No. Really. And what reasons I might have for my actions, please.

I'll give you 5 minutes. Think about it.. slowly. Wait, you'll never figure it out. That's possibly because you haven't taken an interest. That's ok, you can always do that later. Or not.

lost, desperate
Well.... it seems that the only times I get to talk to people is when they have problems. Or need me. Well, I won't say I can blame them. And I'll give you this: I can't stop caring about those I care for now. I can't stop being such an obnoxious saint. I will probably not change my behaviour. Because if I learned one thing it's this: I AM the one you saw. I am the one who reaches out. Who will go to great lengths to make other people feel better. I still bellieve in that and I'm not willing to give up on you yet, either. On the thought that I am your friend, and that despite all other things: you are mine. That's the whole point of making this thread. I simply can't go on like this. I simply can't go on pretending that all this was for great and thankful people. I'm hurt by seeing that now that the troubles are more or less gone everything was as before I ever tried to help. I'm sorry, my friends, but I didn't see another way of getting this to you.

This is loud, rough, violent. I know. It was probably completely unexpected too, but that would be YOUR fault this time. But I really need things to change again, or I won't be able to live with it... You cannot expect me to remain empty-handed.

Now there's one thing I need to say before I end this and let you reply: I am truely very pissed and dissapointed. I am frustrated and I'm very on edge. You've seen and witnessed that now, maybe (I did my best to restrain myself). So IF you want to reply and maybe you DO want to show me I was wrong in thinking stuff about you, then I won't take a simple 5-liner for it. We've had enough confusion and vagueness around here. Please explain yourself, your actions and your thoughts as clearly as you would think I would have. I expect you are all capable of that. I'm nothing special like that anyway. Turns out I don't make a good saint either.

To all who read this and were not personally adressed: There is nothing for you to learn here but this: The Nice Guy is the first player to be eating the mud. Selflessness is a thing for myths and legends. It's a noble and good thing to do, but don't ever think you can ignore your own needs completely, others might believe you instead and you will be more hurt than you can imagine. I feel like a spectre. Empty. Pairs of teethmarks on my neck -_-

-----------

Yep, that too.

2002-04-21T02:43:00.000-07:00

More insanity from back when the forum was still fun:

*Kael walks into the room, dressed in a tox. Bearing a grave look on his face. He stands in front of the assorted group and solemnly bows to the fallen couch and Solar. Last respect-wise...

Then he walks over to a conveniently placed speaker's table and takes out a note. He slowly begins reciting the speech written on it before the crowd: *

Good day, friends and beloved ones of our fallen couch...

We are here under grave and dark circumstances, for we have lost something dear to us.
Blue Velvet Couch was known well amongst you and me. Some of us may remember his quiet and peaceful presence in our midst. Some just saw him as just another piece of furniture. But BVC always struck it's onlookers as kind and gentle and.. blue. BVC was always the quiet one, but he was also quite reliable. Whenever anyone came and asked him to give him a seat and some comfort, he'd be there, in his own li'l corner we all loved...

But there's more. So much more than the plain and obvious. Not only have we lossed so dear a seating, part of our soul has departed as well! Don't we all feel like there is something missing, that we are not complete persons anymore? We ALL feel that gap! Hell, the loss of BVC has introduced us to a whole new insight! For let me tell you, m'friends, what has BVC taught us by his bitter parting? Yes! He showed us how far we are from who we were! He tells us: "Wake my friends, and see what you have become!". YES! In his death he cries out to all of us, me and you, to take our lifes and turn it inside out. Look at it's intestines and find the hidden truth! Indeed, it shall be a bitter sight to behold, but it is US, US my friends! Our own blood! Our own soul! Our own spirit, that has driven us to this vile and wretched act!

*Kael begins flailing his arms around in wild gestures of spirited talk*

For, dear gathered, is it not what we feel inside, that lust for insanity, that hungering of the soul, that clawing of criminality which tears our heart into shreds? Is it not our own part of us, to become lost in our own tears, to drown in the pools of darkness, and to surface helped only by the force of evil? Is it not US, who enslave ourselves to the darkside, just to ease our suffering?! I tell you! WE are the ones to blame! WE are the evil ones! There is no-one else!

And yes, friends. I, too, have been enthralled by the dark. I, too, have felt that hunger. I, too, am mortal and fickle... But it is WRONG! Oh, the blasphemy, the horror! I regret it with every inch of my body! There is no room for this accursed feeling! What are we to do, but fight that enemy within? Who are we, yes, how can we ever face ourselves again, knowing that we divert our anger onto others than our own evil thoughts? I speak to you, truthfully and honestly, when I say to you: SATAN is part of you! Satan controls your every move!

But that, too, is not what is eating us all right now... There is evil within our souls, yes. Evil indeed... But we must NOT forget! There is evil without as well! The dark lures, everywhere. Not just in the vacuum of enclosed spaces, hidden from the light, but there is also dark wherever light goes! It follows in it's wake, trailing behind us as we walk in the sunlight! Trailing, preying, waiting for that chance to overtake us. And it is hard to see.. Oh yes, it is hard! For we like to look at the sun as we go throught the hills of time, not looking backward to the shadows behind us! h yes, the light can betray! But we are weak! We fall into lazyness and apathy! The sun must not be the one to hold the shadows at bay! We must not minimize our efforts! We cannot endure staying out of the light! But we must look! LOOK! For behind us lurks the dark! All around us! And we must fight!

And have you not seen, m'friends, that in today's situation, there are more couches than fingersnaps? YES! A minor detail, but all too dangerous to forget! Look! Behold that shadow! See where it falls and covers the truth! Were we blind to think that the truth was otherwise? Were we foolish enough to be deceived by so small a darkness? Hah! It only foretells the vast amount of darkness coming our away. We must turn around completely, face away from the sun, the light of apathy! There we shall see what is truly forking our minds. And yes, m'friends, when we bring that little, minor shadow into the light we can safely see what lies it told us, and what is the truth.

Friends, the TRUTH! There is an greater power which has summoned these monstrous furniture pieces into our midst! Lo, the light has dispersed the vapours and uncovered the truth. Now, it is time to take matters into our own hands. To lift our hands in unison. To take up arms, both mentally and physically! To turn away from our former ways. To face the Darkness! For we know; THE LIGHT IS BEHIND US!

Good old times!

2002-04-21T02:41:00.000-07:00

Solar's Tarot-session! From waaaaaay back:

Solar_flare> *can predict the future*
Kael> ahha!
Kael> When will I finally leave this wretched dump called Earth?
Solar_flare> *get's tarot cards* one sec!
Kael> woohoo!
Solar_flare> *picked card: the sun upside down*
Kael> The nice girl's gonna predict my future
Kael> I'll burn in hell?
Kael> Hey, I'm gonna meet the split-tailed dude with the red hair-do!
Kael> woohoo!
Solar_flare> -->meaning of card: You'll get what you want but it wont be easy, you may experience dissapointment or delay beofre you attain your goal
Kael> hmmm.. interesting
Solar_flare> the card also says that you expect too much
Kael> ....
Solar_flare> and that you nead to bring down any largei deas
Kael> I do? And I already feel like a miserable maggot! ^_^
Solar_flare> bye bye Em!
Kael> hmm.. this is getting scary
Kael> Do I get another card?
Solar_flare> ask another question
Kael> oh, ok... ehm....
Kael> What organisation will I join to make me happy?
Solar_flare>
Kael> Now, shh, I'm having my fortune read
Solar_flare> it will be new and unsure, it wont be that bad, you can cope, if you stand strong..now that's not a real answer
Solar_flare> mayeb it is, you'll have to decide for yourself
Kael> hmmm... deep
Kael> I like this!
Kael> Now, because I was mean to Mandy, let her go next (or isn't that possible?)
Solar_flare> Mandy? your question?

Cool, ne?

2002-04-21T02:38:00.000-07:00

Oooh! Found an old poem from me again. Let's see if anyone remembers ^^ This is from the time I took a break for a little during the Ayiana-incident.. let's see what you make of it: it's simpler to transfer it this way.

Far far away from here,
beyond seas and oceans wide
There was a land that’s full of people
sleeping cozy under the starry tide.

It’s beautiful fields spread far and wide
And lots of cities rose and shone
The people lead a happy and easyygoing life
And no-one seemed to need a throne

The birds sang their heart out,
The sheep jumped around and frolicked
Kids were not ashamed to play and sing
It was truely an oasis of peace they picked

But, like a paradise, an oasis gets visited
By people whose looks are few and far between
And there were, as was so easily overlooked
guests who envied that which could be seen.

And while the citizens lived in bliss
Evil forces plotted to steal happiness away
And behind the borders, mountains and forests
Beasts of war were created in forges
that never saw the light of the day.

Within this glorious land was a small town,
A windmilled site of sanctuary.
And even here the peasants worked the gentle slopes
Living quietly near the realm of the Faery

And look! Behold! Between the cottages,
A metalcutter had it’s workshop here
He toiled daily to work the raw bars,
And he was always covered in greasy smear.

He was a hard worker, a loyal citizen
And what he did, he did it fast
Because his motto was proud and clear:
“Do, and do what you do best”

He worked all day, always busy
His workshop was rarely unlit
And the forges burned and howled
The smoke could be seen from where the wise men sit.

Edges were his specialty, his pride and joy
Bars were hammered into shape, bars were bent
He made the finest harvesting tools for miles around
He sweated until the day would end.

And he delighted in his work
and aimed to please,
making his customers into kings and noblemen.
Getting as payment only respect and cheese.

And so he worked, and worked some more
Until only work, and work alone, existed for him
And he expanded his business, upgraded his forge
But the fire within, unnoticed, grew dim.

And he saw the citizens point
,heard the kids laugh and mock
But he delighted in the praise he got
And his mind was blurry like fog

When winter came, he gathered by the public bonfire
Telling kids about his handiwork
And he would say “I did that for you”,
As he pointed to a random fork.

But when his reputation became obscure
He resorted at last to pathetically vain pride
He exported his goods to the highest bidder,
To customers who commanded ample might.

To glorify his own name and hardearned skills
He signed the edges and blades he smithied
But he never changed his motto
And supplied whatever the men might need.

So he toiled and sweated, quickly became a respected smith
But all the while the townfolk frowned,
Stood beside the pile of iron while they thought
“What the hell is the madman doing?”
While they eyed the grotesque mound.

And under the smoke from the workshop
The peasantry laughed and prospered
Living a good and full live
They were free, free and happy like a bird

Once in a while, the marauders came
And their hands were swift and muderous
But the peasants would pick up their lives as before
When they finished mourning their loss.

True, the metalcutter saw the killing,
But the path to happiness he could not see
All his fellows walked this path,
But the forge is where the metalcutter wanted to be.

It was a dark and dreary day,
And the metalcutter was of course working hard
When he was suddenly violently disturbed
As someone skewered his heart.

And as the metalcutter fell to the ground
Lying there, limbs eagle-spread
He saw the blurry shadows moving about
Wantonly pillaging his cozy homestead.

A dark robe flashed, the forge flickered
The metalcutter’s eyelids failed and slid
Through the rope holding his purse on his belt
, for dieing this day seemed fit.

And when the sounds, too,
faded, it was for the best
The metalcutter, in his last breath,
looked over to his chest.
And there, the point where the blood now came
A blade now peirced through
And on it was his name

Thus the metalcutter died.

2002-04-20T06:58:00.000-07:00

Results from this week!
Related XML-file

Undoubtedly you think "what an uncool , unfancy, script", but just look at the code and weep. I know I did ^^;;;

2002-04-19T09:42:00.000-07:00

Grr..

Screwed up. Now my fantastic JavaScript abilities screwed up the internal workings of the Blogger engine. Go me!
Can't even edit the previous blog, the link dissapeared. The example doesn't work. Live with it :P

Oh hey! It still works! Cool! Although it seems my commentlink seems to have taken over the job ^^;;;
Okay, here's the drill: move over the white area (avoiding the link) and see how the indicator switches to 'in'. Then move it slowly over the link and see how suddenly the tumbler flips and says 'been out!' while the indicator still says it's in (didn't even blink, nothing). This is the splitsecond mouseover I was talking about in the entry from a few days back...

2002-04-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

Well, since html-tags work in this thing, I suppose I'll show you what I did last week.
Yes, for all you code-crackers out there: it seems easy enough when you read through it, but I won't even begin about all the problems I encountered. Let's just say this really did take me 40 hours to get. Right? If you don't believe me: try solving the problem I told you about without looking at the code beneath it.

Here's a cool example:

We'll see a white box, a virtual container for HTML objects. Attached to it is a function which looks at the mouse and responds to the mouse entering and leaving the box, then launches a seperate popupbox (which annoy the hell out of me while editing the blog) for each of the two events. Try it, it works perfectly. Really basic stuff, this.

This should be a colored DIV, with some BS text on it.

Cool runnings, so far. Let's add a table or any other tagged element into the DIV and see what happens. Through JavaScript instead of pure HTML, but the way you add it doesn't affect any of the results. I tried that.
The methods aren't even looped to make it even easier

Tumbler

Indicator

Blaaaaat

Cell 2

2002-04-17T23:04:00.000-07:00

Waaaaah!

It seems I got 5 minutes to answer all your nerve-wrecking questions. This is not good! Not more pressure, not more pressure! Anyway, here goes:

Company: Brightin
Coordinator: Boss/owner-type-person
Size: 6 people (2 fulltime, 1 parttime,3 interns)
Location: Villa (not kidding!)
Assignment: Create XML-driven menu in JavaScript that takes over ALL the functionality of menu already present on MPC Capital Site
Wages: None
Period: 9 weeks
Hours: 9 per week
Allowed sickdays: 4
Reports: due
Atmosphere: friendly
Nature of assignment: Something they weren't trained to do.

Now, this'll only take this week, I suppose, but these are 9 hour workshifts. No break since it's a loose hierarchy. (You'd think that'd give me more breaks? Well, no! Since we're all so very friendly they expect us to keep the working atmosphere up). It kinda gives you a headache to stare at raw code all day. But then again, I suppose this is what I was learning for and now it's up to me to see if I like it or not.

The sad part is that instead of counceling me and being a source for valuable guidance THROUGH this assignment, the resident whizzkids don't have a clue how to solve the problems I'm facing. Niceeeee!

For all you HTML-people, here's an example. If you make a DIV and attach a mouseover to it that launches a method, then add an element TO that DIV (say, a table). If you move your cursor into the DIV, no problem. When you move your mouse over the table border only SLIGHTLY, it creates a mouseover effect (which it corrects immediately afterwards, but not after momentarily thinking you left the DIV itself). NOW, how do you get it NOT to throw the mouseover?

I'll make an example later. I'll also would like to add that this cost me about 4 hours to solve. But it has been solved. If you want to indulge, feel free. It's not that easy (or I'm stupid)

Agh. I also have a report due. It's a report I have to fill in so I know which PPVs (professional personal abilities) I have to work on and how. Damn.. And I lost my report from last year, so I basically have to REMEMBER my weak and stronger points. Damn. I could ask you all to make a list for me, but I fear the results wouldn't be very reliable. So :P to you.

Agh! Better shift that ass. Bye bye!

2002-04-15T14:16:00.000-07:00

First day at work.... lousy internship. 9 hours.. no scheduled breaks. Heavy working atmosphere. No pay. Insecure circumstances. Tired. Ouch. To bed. Bye!

2002-04-10T16:32:00.000-07:00

hehe ^^ 'hypocritical winky'. That's a first! I actually had to go and find out what it meant. It was hilarious to see it combined with the word 'judgmental bastards', which basically cracked me up. Nice touch ^_-

Yes, I know I should be hurt, and I actually was, really. But: No, I'm not willing to take everything so serious anymore. I always tried to understand why people felt that way when they hurt me, but I'm not sure if it's justified to keep that up. People seem hell-bent on disliking me and, well, they'll succeed in the end. Call me a hyprocrite, call me an unbeliever, call me a sad person. With all my might I tried to understand, but I'm not sure I ever could. Maybe you don't even fully understand yourself. In any case you're not trying to tell me exactly how to improve myself, which is basically just a sad way of saying you'd rather forget about me than help me (for whatever reasons). So push me away and ignore whatever I promised, whatever I intended to do, if that's what your silly personal urges tell you to do. But I will not blame you for anything... I'm willing to forgive everything. I hold no grudges, I'm not really angry at anyone. I'm just sad people act this way and still call me names . Oh well, nothing I will do or write will change it. Even if I claimed never to have had any ill intentions to anyone which were serious enough to act upon (name a situation, then tell me what I would have picked in your case) you will continue your silly crusade without a cause. I have not changed anything about my desires about friendships or my view on fulfilling them. So if you choose to accept it, I will be here... So yes, this is the internet. In real life this would have been different. More honest. More open. More two-sided. More considerate, maybe. But it struck me as oddly interesting to see how social dynamics work when all people really see are opinions, and only choose the opinions they want to see. Unique...

In any case.. I did a nice boy-scout thing today. I intended to do something like this a while ago, but never had enough reasons. So I took this opportunity and here we go. I hope it doesn't come back to haunt me ( I do feel slightly bad about it). We'll see tomorrow. It was done with the best intentions and I hope it doesn't cause any trouble, but it can't be reverted anymore. It's literally out of my hands. But: we'll see tomorrow. Oh. That's today ^^ We'll see today. Which reminds me:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOLAR!

and now.. my day. (yesterday).

Today (yesterday), I had my first introductory conversation with the company I'll have my internship with. It was a good conversation which lasted about an hour or so. Rose earlier than was needed to find my way there (on the other side of town in an unknown area) and when I got there it turns out to be an incredibly beautiful villa. So I rode my bicycle up the driveway and sort of felt weird because the garden was fully mantained and had ornaments and fountains and everything. Nothing but the signpost at front hinted that this was really a company: until I saw the parking lot (thank god). Went inside and it was all beautifully decorated: it was like a really rich family decided to have a family company and do all the business in a beautiful house (no expenses spared) in all comfort, rest and luxury. So cool, so cool.

During this conversation I had to introduce myself of course. And so I did. After we exchanged information about ourselves and how we could help eachother I learned the following about the company:

1. My personal goal of communicating or providing ways of communication were not possible since they were actually coders. Database coders, but they didn't actually do graphical interfaces or other stuff like that.
2. It was a small, young company currently already managing 3 other interns...
3. It wasn't aware it was still in the running at our school's program (oh shit ^^;;)
4. They use programs you have to specialise in to suit their goals to make proffessional products
5. They didn't have an assignment for me yet. They weren't sure what I should do for them yet. WIll be contacted tomorrow (today) about that.
6. Not all programs they use I have actual experience with (or even heard about)

So this means I'll be studying lots, putting some stress on the company and working fulltime for six weeks in a company that's both small and cozy. This sounds swell ^^

On the downside: apparently I screwed up the chronological order of things to take care of with school/company. I was supposed to hand in a list of personal goals I set for myself BEFORE I had the first conversation. But that doesn't make sense? How can you set goals if you don't know what the hell you're going to do?! Ahh.. now I'm going to get in trouble with them thickheaded teachers again. I bet it'll be hard too. But they can't stop me from going on internship when I'm already this far. So concerning this: they can bite my shiny metal ass. :P

Now I'm tired. I'm going to sleep ^^ Take care, all of you (I mean all of you) and remember: Life is beautiful. Regardless.

Ciao! I'm out

2002-04-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

Well.. what to say, what to say?

First off:

HAHAHAHA! Oh.. *sniff* that's just grand. If mr. Rushdie was around he would surely have appreciated the cool symbolism involved in the thing that just flashed through my mind. It just simply occured to me: clear as nothing, it just swept through my mind and nudged over the furniture. The active-metaphorical impact of a decision that was recently made has some real literary potential. Nice nice.

Heh.. on a not-wholly different subject:
Yes, Patti.. I'm not sure what you want to write, but if you want you can have all the inspiraton you need. I never knew real life could make a true masterpiece seem like a non-complicated thing. This is social drama at its best. You could have enough for a trilogy..

But what is this? Holy crap, what on earth has this become?! And why did I get so personally involved? Why did I show my true colours while the ones who are currently NOT hurt are enjoying the benefits they gained with their lies? I want to point my finger and tell where it went wrong. To stand up and fight. To destroy what must be undone. Like the tide people shift allegiances every so often. Come back, drift away, come back, drift away. But noone dared to turn their backs on the fight, while there were always people fighting, playing. There were never no sides, there was never a lack of strife. It's one big game. One big battle. And when I fled the battle with my personal battlecry (one that was truely intimate) it lingered... It lingered and now another party holds that motto in their banners, mocking what is dearest to me.

Dramatic? Yes. Exaggerated? No. I might have chose a style not suiting the circumstances right now, but there are no more words. Only losses. And yet I cannot stop being a major player in this. Even in the background there is pain. And still I remain (...)

So yes! I'm touchy on a few subjects. So yes, I might lash out: and go on,analyse, judge and feel comfortable with it. If you wish to forget everything I showed you. If you wish to believe all I have written here were lies, I can't stop you. But don't gloat and whisper. Forget my legacy if you want: forget what I once said and did. Your choice. But at least have honour and decency. There are too many people who don't have that.
And yes, I will feel guilty for whatever you choose. For I know in the end all my efforts will have been meaningless again and I have failed to be the truest friend. But a friend cannot be a friend on his own, like an army cannot be a single man.

A play? Yes! A play worthy of Shakespeare: actors, actresses, figures, props. We have it all! So what shall we name it? Do you have any idea? What would be a nice title for this miraculous tale? Go on.. brainstorm away... want to call it 'Death of the Senses'? 'Grief and Grievances', perhaps? 'Unlikely compatriottes'? 'Binding Chains'? 'Intrepid'?

2002-04-06T15:04:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday Dolphin!

and happy birthday Solar (If forget it)

2002-04-05T04:16:00.000-08:00

Look at that... I managed to get the archives working! Sure, they look like crap, but hey, it works..

So in honour of this recent resurrection of my memories, some retro-style reminders:

"So you guessed it yourself: this would be a rather grim and heartfelt blog (or at least I think it'll start out as one) which would prolly make you feel less cheerful. You've been warned."

"Oh my god, what have I done? I gave the link away and now I'll be constantly watched! How awful! How insidious! How cruel that I will now be pestered because I make those overly longish sentences in which I become completely entangled, all the while inserting side-sentences and numerous other stuff (sometimes even brackets to top it off), and I lose track of my grammar, spelling and plopper engrish! The pressure, the pressure!"

"Well... I've been linked. That is a good thing of course, since... ehm... ehm... Well, I dunno why, but I sure hope it's a good thing! Of course, this mean that maybe two or so idle webwanderers might stumble upon these godforsaken rants, but that is not to be avoided and we can only rest and pray that they will soon recover from the horrendous torture that is this blog. Amen."

"I'll reveal this, too: I'm thinking about stepping out of this life. Not by taking the easy way out, because if I'm dead, I wouldn't really have GAINED anything by that action, now would I? No, I'd go with the alternative and try to get my ass in some foreign country and stay there for a while. There are non-profit organisations which provide for volunteering-camps in third world countries. I'm going to check whether it's possible to do this any time soon. Honest."

"And the last question is the one that disturbs me so. I acted the way I wanted to. I acted the way I wanted to be. I think I acted myself for once.
And so I'm doubting if my set of opinions and insights I live by is really worth as much as it's cracked up to be. Sure! You learn from every Disney movie (occasionally sporting dancing furniture) that these things are sacred: Selflessness, friendship, involvement, empathy and kindness. Now call me a sucker, but I believe that that was true, and that every good person would recognise and acknowledge the fact that these concepts severely outclass (not to judge anyone, though, IMHO, IMHO): greed, selfishness, rudeness and bragging. So then I figured that if I acted myself and maybe try my best at being saintly for a while, I'd gather the respect and warmth I felt I was lacking all this time. But it's true that a whole lot of bastards (bastards being what they are) are far more happier than I am! Does that mean women AREN'T so disgusted by male chauvinism as they often claim to be? Do they say: "All men are the same, they're filth" and actually WANT this to be true? Why is it that things like this simply fail? This bothers me, because this is who I am.... I think."

"Oh, damn... I haven't gone out today and have no dinner. Will I eat pizza? Will I go across the street and order some fries from the local snackbar? Will I have enough money? Will I... Ooh! The tension, the excitement. Whey. I'd better shift my ass."

"See, the dillemma is that if I hadn't shown this other side of me, the feelings that went on about me people'd obviously think higher of me. It's commonly accepted that if you seem not to be affected by anything you are supposedly a more impressive person. What I think this blog is doing for my reputation is that people'll see the presentation of the doubts and worries that no doubt go on in every supposedly 'man of steel'. But men of steel don't SHOW their emotions. To show your emotions is a WEAKNESS in social standards around here. More so in the social universes I occasionally wander into. But these things aren't uniquely mine, everybody has them. Now what I'm fearing is that everybody who reads this blog is automatically shocked by the amount of openness presented and naturally react by thinking that I am obviously not a man of steel."

"Wasn't that the oddest and most obvious paragraph you ever read in here? Yeah, definately must be. You read it here first! "

"I am 31% evil....Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com
Borderline! Borderline, people! Stay away from me! I can be nice to you one moment, then the next I can skin you alive and ask Elton John to come and piss on your grave! Yes! I can do that! Haha! I AM EVIL! Thirty percent evil! E-V-I-L! goooOOOO EVIL!
"
"Or, maybe more positive: Maybe they act differently to me and that's why I get all the action questions wrong.. or it could be my leaky memory or..something.I dunno. Stupid tests. Oh well. At least I was near to Paura.. guess that's still good ^_^;;"

"Clip about my life going downhill reasonably well... <...> so don't you all mind the annoying super-skier that passes me at the left of the screen. He's annoying. I hate him."

"Kelly has been so enormously kind to offer making a layout for this awfully simple blog while she hasn't exactly got the easiest life of em all right now, and I'm really looking forward to seeing what she did! And I think we all are, because by now you must be completely bored by the blueish rectangular theme."

"Was I just a smiling fool thinking I helped as I carried water to the well?"

"It was also unfair of me to include these parts about others, irrelevantly blaming for what I was feeling. I know I should give them a chance, some slack and a fresh perspective... not just how I was feeling in the middle off the night while I had too little sleep to even think straight..."

"But the deal's different this time. These weren't my actions or decisions that led anyone to be affected so, these were my feelings. But I can't be responsible for my feelings the way I can be responsible for my actions. That's inhumane! Especially if you're not gonna let me even TRY to explain. Or if you're not willing to find out if they're even there in the first place. "

"Jesus, I'm actually looking forward to this meeting of mine I'll have in one hour... SOMEHOW, my existence online is harder right now than the one I have in real life. Whatever has become of me?"

"So why the blog? Well.. my folks are currently reading up on a few incredibly important papers. They're not financial stuff, I thikn they're booklets describing my grandparents' life. Twenty years ago. I can't tell you the complete story here, but suffice to say: Their life has literally been over a long long time ago. These years.. they have just been living death.."

"Kael> Trust your kidney, young one..
BlueDolphin> i'm not eating eggplants!
Kael> Oh! But you are! You don't know what the aliens are feeding you in your sleep!
BlueDolphin> i don't think my stomach would tolerate being forcefed eggplant
Kael> it is a confusion.. they use it only on females, so it is generally accepted as being female intuition"

"Damn this world..."

"Pictures that make you go 'awww':"

"Bright eyes, blinded by fear of life
Open eyes, unable to truly see"

"Slept lousy, feel lousy, but this thing is behind us now.. good riddance. Now we can only HOPE they will fit in, because the other alternatives are damn grim..."

"It was calmed by the realisation that to put my feelings behind me I had to work at them inside, and not work on some reaction on A's part. "

"What would it take to change the world so everybody I think deserves it is happy? God, I wish I could do that..."

"Who am I?
What am I doing?
What do people want from me?
What part of me is real?
Am I a good person?"

"There is no God.
There is not enough justice.
There are only humans. And you can believe in only a few of them. Test yourself. Ask yourself, are you a human being? Are you a child of God or are you a child of your own beliefs? Answer it..."

"Be true to yourself. The sun is shining! The light inside is brighter! Say it: Semper fi! Semper fi!"

"- Who are you?
My mind."

"So if your own perceptions are what defines you.. all you have to work on is improving your image of yourself and you'll see your whole view on the world will be better."

"With this entry I show myself again. And all you can do is shake your head and walk away. I'm sorry -_-"

"Independent sources (The Daily Mirror) have established just a few minutes ago, that my tongue is green. "

"Move out! Shift those asses and mosey over to the commentbox!"

Easy blogging

2002-04-04T15:17:00.000-08:00

That's nice...

People tell me I'm confused, blind, closed, intolerant to the truth. People come up to me, ask me to share my views with them, only to disect them and read what they want, not what I mean. Asking my view when you don't want to even consider it is meaningless and is not a just approach. People analyse, assume, judge, neglect to find the full picture for whatever motives they have, conveniently forgetting all I have told them about myself in absolute honesty.

Regardless of what I have said in here, elsewhere, in the past, I seem doomed to suffer only dark judgements. Trust in EVERYTHING I ever said, can be erased by a simple mistake, a simple choice. How's that for tolerance? Nice one, so you can have more confidence in your own opinion if you reject mine completely and toss along the complete image of me because that makes it easier?

Forget it. Why make this blog if all you're going to do is twist its words around and mock me for it?

2002-04-02T17:07:00.000-08:00

1?

Right.. 1... Weapons of war and the people who provide services to make that possible. Nice topic, although it would appear that I'm not a superb columnist who actually has something to say.

So where was I last Wednesday? Why have I twisted the bajonet over and over in my hands for hours? Well, I'll tell you. This is something that has been milling through my head for some time now, and I suppose I could try to phrase it in here.

Okay, consider if you wil, l the bajonet I got from my grandpa. You know, this one, the japanese one actually found in a warzone just after WOII. These were bajonets that were standard issue for every friggin soldier in the Japanese army. There are a LOT of those around. As you can see, the metal is well-crafted, the lining is superbly done and the whole thing (pretty light and balanced) still fits incredibly well in it's sheath (remember, a bajonet's sheath has to stay on while it's being bumped around in any position). All in all a very impressive feat in metalworks.

But there's more to it than that. It's a sharp long blade, capable of piercing pretty tough objects without much effort. (I know, I tried that on a pringles can. Holding it with one hand I could easily move it through the entire container in one stroke). It is almost 50 CMs long, balanced to be a piercing weapon by controlling its weight over the handle and the only thing it's useful for is killing people. It's not a general purpose thing: just death.

"So", you'd say "It's war.. who cares.. Japan was going to make these things anyway and everybody would be drafted into the warmachine whether they liked it or not, just like in Europe" and damn, you'd be right. Wars will be sustained, money might be made, but in time of real war, martial law is declared over such industries. You can say what you want, but there is very little sense in blaming the world of arms dealers when they're inside a region in war.

Ask the Israeli's (Uzi, world's most experienced and powerful air force), Russia (AK74, many weapons platforms), China, North Korea, Iraque. When you're short of powerful allies you'll have to resort to local knowledge and resources. If you don't take care of your arms industries and your intellectual treasures you'll not get very far with your weapons devolepment. Blueprints are classified, reverse engineering will only get you so far. What to do if you can't import weaponry from the outside? Iraque had all the knowledge to build a nuclear weapon, but did not posses the expertise and equipment to extract the plutonium it needed. It contracted foreign scientists who trained Iraque's own in turn. Before too long they were found and bombed. It's a natural sort of thing these days.

Now, on a totally different note: I went on an excursion this Wednesday, another RealTime organised thing. Fortunately enough, the RealTime part only went so far.. Just organising the date. the means of travel, the photographer and the digicamera provided by school. Now.. they had the photographer down.. that would be me. The date, check. The means of travel (riding on our student free fare strips), check. The camera, oops, forgot Typical.
Management in suits, check. 4 of the people who organised the damn thing, oops.. only 1, the chairman. 21 people as was announced to the company, oops, only 14. Gifts for kind and generous hosts? Oops...

The cool thing was, if I DID have the camera, I would have gotten my own personal bodyguard to keep me from photographing things I shouldn't shoot pictures of. Even all the specs of the camera had to be filled in by the organising party, that's why we were stuck without one. I, in my predicting and slightly cynical mood, thought about bringing my SLR, but seeing as though they were so strict I stopped myself, thinking the damn chairman couldn't have forgotten. Stupid me.

Where did we go? You guessed it! Thalens Holland! Or what was previously called Holland's Signaal. Our very own cute dutch weapons manufacterer. It actually became quite a riot when people found out that very same company had been supplying Iraqi forces during Desert Storm. Nasty stuff!

What do they make? Naval combat assistance systems. Think radar, guiding lasers, extreme night vision equipment and command and communication consoles for naval vessels (and some groundbased vehicles). Their crowning work: The Goalkeeper Cannon. An anti-missile cannon that will detect incoming tennis balls at 40 miles distance, wait until they are within 2 miles and then spews walls of lead at the thing at 70 20cm rounds per second until it is no longer on the radar. All hightech stuff, capable of detecting the F117-Phantom Stealth Bomber (the triangular thing). Everything around us was expensive.. got greeted in a virtual reality room which would make an outstanding cinema, got high-cuisine lunch. Yep. The life!

Now I'll spare you all the details, but after a workshop and a tour we had a few (free) beverages, and I got to talk around some. I polled among my fellow students about if they would want to work here, and none, I repeat, NONE said they didn't. They even looked funny when I said I would have none of that. Are they hypocrite? Am I a damn fool? I'm not a pacifist, I believe in violence as a necessary evil. Equiping our own forces better is good for that purpose, but I'll be damned if I help anyone kill another person. Is that such a stupid thought? Can you say: "Yeah.. well.. I like the work, nice and varied" While all you get to do is make custom-made radar systems? Can you say: "Yeah, err.. isn't it cool to be using and making only top-notch state-of-the-art tools and components?".

I suppose that if you want to work in such a factory, you have to be a braindead hypocrite or a non-caring cynicist. Either way, that's not me. Count me out, Thales.

2002-04-01T02:28:00.000-08:00

Happy Easter everybody!

Now.. as my time online is very scarce and alltogether not very plentiful I'll just get right to the point:

Yay! People visit my blog! Whether they do it for comic relief or for genuine interest, I dunno, but somehow I suppose people still read it. Although, lately, I've been slacking (Yeah, go on, you can nag me if you want you know.)

As some of you are too lazy to report in while even BINOX has done so (thanks BinoX now I can say this kind of thing) I will grant you another opportunity... Namely: I will open up a poll, or at least SOME user-interaction. As most of you know, I can rant although lately I haven't been doing so. However, I DO have some topics to rant about. Now I'm sort of low on time these days, so if you'd kindly tell which one of the topics you'd like me to rant about I'll get around to doing it.

Here's the list:

1. Manufactering of weapons and the people that do it
2. Hypocrisy in current dutch politics
3. Inter-continental relations between US <-> Europe
4. War and why
5. My family in Israel
6. Harry Potter vs. LotR
7. personal mumbojumbo
8. Pure nonsense
9. Why RealTime sucks (my student organisation)
10. The current state of dutch academic education, and in particular.. mine
11. Website layouts, and in particular.. mine
12. Stuff I made, have done, can do. Skills
13. anything else... just name it

Vote! Get your votes in! No butterfly ballots! Go go go! GO RANT! GO VOTE! Get to that voting booth first! open up that commentbox and shout it out! Let your heart rip, grab that chance and go for the gold! You can do it! YUSH! GOOOO YOU!

2002-03-26T12:52:00.000-08:00

(in this post I get to swear at you because I'm roleplaying ^^ So sue me if you must, but I at least made a disclaimer)

AttenSHUN!

Headcount!

Get in line! Who do you think you are, reading my blog?! Yeah! I can see from your scrawny face that you're sitting on your lazy butt staring at the screen in hope of ever finding something to humour you! Well, no more, soldiers! You gots to make you'self useful! So go ahead, and proceed to your local commentbox to fill out them forms. I want to read all your comments! I want to know who's been reading up on this blog. Headquarters wants them statistics and I'll get them. It means 50 laps if you don't. AND THAT MEANS YOU, Private Lazy! I want to see all your names up there, or it'll mean hell!

Move out! Shift those asses and mosey over to the commentbox!

(c'mon.. it's common courtesy to let me know.. otherwise it feels like peeking! *blush*)

2002-03-26T07:31:00.000-08:00

2002-03-26T05:39:00.000-08:00

2002-03-25T14:54:00.000-08:00

Minor tweaks...

silly IFRAME in the upper right corner *points*.. don't know what do with it yet, we'll see. Seems misaligned as it is, anyway. Fancy scrollbars fixed, links on links page now actually pop up in new windows and... and... nothing. That's it! Sad, isn't it?

2002-03-25T00:24:00.000-08:00

DISTURBING NEWS:

Independent sources (The Daily Mirror) have established just a few minutes ago, that my tongue is green. The sources kid you not: it's green alright. Everybody involved wants it to be otherwise, alas the harsh truth speaks only in green! Before I go describing the gross horror that it is I want you to know how relieved I am a digi-cam is no longer within reach at my appartment. I'm sure all the viewers of this page would have been dieing to find out what a green tongue looks like. ESPECIALLY, since I didn't TAKE anything. Nope, no foreign foods, no prank stuff, nothing. It couldn't be, I just woke up! That leaves only one conclusion, doesn't it?

There was a whole lot else I wanted to blog about, mainly about thanking people for wanting to fix and repair things again and generally being benignly thoughtful. So I do that now, Thank you.. but if you will excuse my rudeness, I have to go see what a toothbrush can do posthaste... meeting and my all-important internship-lobby are due in what? 15 minutes. Argh! Well, sorry.. bye bye!

2002-03-22T04:46:00.000-08:00

Oh, I figured you might like the adress:

Kabalarians!

2002-03-22T04:40:00.000-08:00

Kael

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The name of Kael has made you serious-minded, responsible, and stable. You love the security of a home and family, you are fond of children, and, as a parent you would be fair and understanding. Although you have good business judgment, you are not aggressive in your dealings because you do not like to create issues. You would be successful in any position dealing with the public as you have a diplomatic and tactful manner and possess a charming, easy-going nature which puts people at ease. People are drawn to you because they feel that you are patient, kind, understanding, and responsive. You would be effective in a career or in volunteer work where you are handling people and serving in a humanitarian way. While you are honest and responsible, one weakness that is paramount in your life is your lack of self-confidence and initiative, which causes you to put things off and avoid facing issues. Generally speaking, you have few problems with your health; however, there is a weakness affecting the fluid functions of the body.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bart

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your first name of Bart has given you a quick, analytical mind. You are creative, versatile, and imaginative. However, independence, positivity and the urge for action and progress are such strong forces in your nature that you find it difficult to control them. You feel happy as long as headway is being made, but as soon as you are obstructed or your individuality and freedom of action are restricted, you experience an intense nervous reaction. Moods of depression can result during which you become caustic and belligerent in your attitude toward everyone, especially to those in closest association with you. Routine, monotony, and the responsibility of looking after details can have a similar effect on you, as you are a person who desires change, travel, and new experiences. In order to gain greater congeniality in your personal associations, you need to cultivate a more relaxed manner, greater generosity, understanding, and tolerance, and, above all, you need to avoid being too outspoken and self-opinionated. The influence of this name can be very destructive to your health and personal happiness, even though it may take you far in business. You frequently experience nervous tension in the solar plexus. A sensitive stomach and ulcers could result. Also, ailments could centre in the head affecting the eyes, ears, nose, throat, or teeth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2002-03-19T17:24:00.000-08:00

Sleepless nights...

2002-03-19T17:20:00.000-08:00

Blogging doesn't seem like a good idea. From everything I receive from it I find hardship hits me the hardest. What was the purpose of this blog again? I recently look like a ghost. I recently find myself depressed more than I want to. I recently feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, but underground. Showing myself here seems destructive, showing myself seems to scare people away. I was better off not letting myself out. I was better off...

No, I can't say the words. I wouldn't be better off. But yet again, I have only disappointed people. Story of my life. There are too many things going through my mind right now and I can't handle. People twist my words, read my blog, use it to justify actions I can never approve of. Read my blog, and mock who I am. Read my blog, and go away. Make a monster out of me. Or was I always one? I don't know.

Yet again I wish to be happy. Yet again I wish to hide away and finally find a safe haven. There is no haven for me, only trouble. And as much as I wish to live by the theories and ideas in the entries below this I can't. People are my prime incentive. People make or break me, their opinion completely linked to my mood. However much I try to say I don't care, I always do. However much I try to find my own way, I always come back. Two human assets: respect and loyalty.

Respect: Honesty, faithfullness, maturity, admiration of the other's universe. It all boils down to what I call respect for your peer. Friendship is wrought from it, appreciation is a continuation of respect. Where would I be if I didn't kneel down on my knees and bow my head to the others' universe? Who am I to ever make decisions, who am I to ever judge. I am so little.

Loyalty: I am a sad person, I know. But I will be there. If all I can do is try, I will. I will not make mistakes and walk away. I will make mistakes and crawl back. I will be forced to make decisions, I will have to sacrifice... for everything I hold true and right. Does that make me a bad person? It at least makes it harder for me to be myself. There is no room for me, only desperation and a longing to at least mean something for my friends. I will be that, I might not be more.

With this entry I show myself again. And all you can do is shake your head and walk away. I'm sorry -_-

2002-03-18T15:35:00.000-08:00

....

2002-03-18T08:37:00.000-08:00

After yesterday, the horrible 22 hour-day filled with beer, hiking, IT and thousands and thousands of CeBIT visitors I looked forward to a nice sleep... however... my dormmate's were plotting against it...

So yeah, I could tell you grand stories about how it was, and show you a few photos of one of the largest IT conventions in the world today to boot. But I won't, why? It seems like I started a general mood in my entries that had better be continued till I get to the end of it. My last two entries were multi-layered. I'm sure I was succesful in creating it so that each individual who reads this translated it into his or her own world in their unique way. I don't mean to pretend I know each and every one of you like that, but I know that I mixed in a few facts and reasonings which some of you might notice and others might miss. The basic (and fairly obvious) message is that you should stay strong and make a stand for what you believe is right. Semper Fidelis, always faithful. That's a universal truth, but if you read a few things in the entry below this one that would surprisingly fit your situation: that's not by accident.

On to my main point for today:
I don't believe in God.. I don't believe in the triumph of some greater force over the responsibility we all carry on our shoulders. To flee into something like that is to disguise your own actions and the mystery that is luck in the universe. Look at all the differences in the world, tell me if any force ever gave it any thought. Happiness? Seems like a vague, undefined concept here. For people elsewhere happiness is a rainy day. Peace is a good partynight without any drunks fighting outside for some people, peace is when you don't hear about some lunatic chucking handgrenades into a very popular disco you just left last night for others. Misery is abundant... the definition of happiness seems to shift with how much you experienced it. Nice isn't it?
Happiness, though a goal in my life, seems to be rather ungraspable most of the time...

So everything's relative... everything is in the eye of the beholder

And that's the clue of the world for me, right there. The only assumption a person is ever allowed to make is exactly that. You think the universe makes the restrictions for your life? You think it's hard to live by the things I said in my post underneath this one? Well.. not necessarily, in my opinion.. let me explain:

Examine Zen buddhism: the teachings of emptiness, the teachings of a detached mind. If you ask me what Zen saying I'd remember first, it'd be 'A bowl is only useful because of it's emptiness'. A bowl. Empty. Useful. Why do they think that? Surely you see the parallel with that saying and the way they live. They seem to live beside reality, they seem to look into the world with the eyes of children, seeing everything for the same time, yet they are wise and have been known to work completely unexpected miracles.

And the questions they raise have intrigued thousands over the years. They question perception, they question judgement. To me that's appealing and although I would never claim that I was in any way really aware of what their religion really is about, I can say I learned from asking myself the same questions they do. I guess like a lot of things it has shaped my view on life and humans, but moreover, it shaped how I look on myself and my views on existential questions like 'who are we and why are we here?'.

Here goes: let's journey off from this question to see if you can find the way I think about this.

Who are you?
- I am Bart Wesdorp, a dutch college student.
Who are you?
- I am a student, a man
Who are you?
- I am an individual, a sentient being
How would you describe yourself?
- I am a man, born from my father and my mother, I live my life.
Deeper
- I am a human being, two legs, two hands, one head, one mind, one body.
Elaborate
- I am a mess of guts wrapped up into a tight, yet physically messy package.
Are you sure?
- I am the sum of my organs and my mind - my ideas
How do you know what to think?
- I perceive my surroundings, observe, ponder and conclude. My ideas are my own conclusions.
Your own conclusions to what?
- My conclusions to my own questions and the questions asked by the world.
How do you obtain these questions?
- By looking at, listening to and thinking about the world.
How do you get this information?
- By registering sensations with my organs, then processing it with my mind.
How do you know these are your organs that register?
- Because my mind processes.
Nothing else?
- I can't find any other proof in my conscience that it's so. It just is.. I get signals from the world and that is part of who I am.
Who are you?
- I am my perception of what I hold to be true and my ideas based on that.
How do you perceive?
- I visualise.. there's an ongoing bigscreen show in front of my (mind's) eye. I can feel with my external sensory organs as well as feel things from within my body. These cause me to feel a sensation that influences my trail of thought and spark something else that could affect my thoughts for a longer period called emotions, I also perceive those. I am only consciously aware of a few of my thoughts because sometimes things happen within me I hadn't seen coming or can't explain rationally afterwards. Besides, dreams tell us there is a whole world hidden from us within our own mind. A sort of autonomous me, an expansion to the 'me I know', an addition... something we can only influence by doing great efforts.
- So who are you?
I am the sum of my conscious thoughts and perceptions... I'm.. I'm not sure if there is a world at all..
- Who are you?
My mind.

Now why the hell am I telling you this obviously completely subjective story? Because it means something for me. You can safely disagree, I know it's just my own concept of things that are normal. It's not like I go about things saying: "Oh to hell with it, what I can't see doesn't exist" or "If I punch this guy it doesn't matter because in my mind everything will be the same". I go through life like anyone else, I'm just a normal, typical guy. Not special, not phylosophical or otherwise taken aback. I've just thought about this, and have let you see what I currently believe in. But there's another goal to this than just show you what I think about this subject:

Because the whole world is in the eye of the beholder, no one is allowed to judge another. Since our universe is shaped by our own perceptions and assumptions of it, you can never be sure you have the absolute truth. Another's universe might be completely different, you might be thinking the wrong things. The point to this is to realise that to judge someone else because of his universe (or what you glimpse of it by your own failed perception) is to assume your own view is more correct or 'better'. Sure, judgement by standards is only natural, but to decide upon someone else's life or restrict their universe is a dangerous concept, because you have assumed something you might be totally wrong about. Everything's relative, and everything's VAGUE.

Now you'll understand that because I believe that humans' essential self is only the concsiousness and feelings they have, that these are immensely important to me. To be a part of someone's universe and to experience how they look at the world is something incredible to me. And as I said a million times to people: intentions are more important than how they do it.. because intentions is something deeper for me.. intentions are always something which overrule any action done in the past. Actions are excusable, you can only be sad if an intention is not what you wanted it to be. Therefore, it's easy to say this: You can hardly do anything wrong with me if your heart is in the right place... even if something goes terribly wrong, if you show your true intentions, what can I ever complain about?

Now that I've told you.. let's leap back to the previous entry. So if your own perceptions are what defines you.. all you have to work on is improving your image of yourself and you'll see your whole view on the world will be better. What do you care that others have opinions or want you to do something? They're stuck in their own universe and they might be wrong. So heed only the perceptions you like, because the rest is not worth 'processing'. Be yourself, be proud of yourself, be who you want to be and can be, and there's nothing in the world that can stop you. Because you are the world yourself.

Thank you for considering this...

2002-03-16T04:46:00.000-08:00

First off.. thank you for listening to me rant, everybody. I know I must bore you to death with my intellectual flatulence, but sometimes I feel like throwing this set of alphabetical mess into bits and bytes. Now for the desperately needed comic relief:

"For those who read this: You just wasted three seconds of your life"

and now for the thing I wanted to say:

Semper Fi! Semper Fi! Semper Fi!

Semper fidelis. A little silence is in order

So I'll hold my head up, square my shoulders, face the new day.. I'm here, real as ever. Whatever is thrown at me, I'll handle. Here I'll make a stand for who I am, widelegged, ready. We only live once, we only have one life to live. Raise your chin and fight for who you are. Live your life like you want it to; don't try to be someone else. There are enough someone-elses who are currently handling that and if you don't, no-one will have the honour and blessing of being you!

Straighten that back, open your eyes... darkness around you? Look around, gather your strength or take the strength offered to you and step outside your current mood. Look inside, what beliefs do you have? How do you want to live your life? What values do you admire? THAT is you, not anything else. Take those ideas and wear them as if they were jewelry: you're a beautiful person the way you are. Fight for it! Nothing will get you down, you're the strongest force in the universe if you find it in yourself to be actually proud of what you stand for! Who needs the world? Let it come and punch it in the face till it's down, then put your foot on its limp body and smile for the camera... no one can stop you!

Open those eyes! See your inner beauty, feel the pride! See your own being reflected in all its splendour within yourself, see your own radiant brightness lighting the environment you choose to surround yourself in. See the objects and events around you which you think are a positive influence and realise they are manifestations of what you chose to be, how you chose to live. Look! Open those eyes and look at me.. look into my eyes and see who you really are!

Be true to yourself: you're a gem, a lightstone, a sanctuary in and of itself if you choose to be. You're nothing common, you're not in a storm. Be strong and be your own mountain. Pull yourself up and face the darkness. Scold the clouds until they part and release the sun, free your inner fire and let it light your environment. You shape your fate, you're the alpha and omega of your own world... Carry your entire being on the outside, show it with a proud smile! No-one can touch what you believe, nothing can stop you if you light your own path.

Don't fear the darkness.. You're fearing the lack of light, while you're the greatest light of them all? The lack of light will never be your own: what's not there can't creep up in you. Don't wear dark robes, don't wrap yourself in depression, you're hiding something beautiful: you're hiding all you can be. You can't hide yourself in shadows, it's just an illusion. You're kidding yourself, you simply ignore the part of you that you should hold up and hold up to the sun... Depression is just your mind's eye being misaligned.. pull it away from the wrong assumptions and the wrong conclusions leading from those. Point it to yourself, not someone else or something else. Comparisons are imperfect insecurities. Giving in to them means losing yourself... can't you see yourself? It's so plain to see..

And don't close yourself up now. Don't say you're an exception to this rule, that you can comfort yourself with saying I'm not gearing this towards you. The truth is, you all need to read and apply this! It's a simple truth...Don't defend the way you have been thinking for some time now, did it ever make you happy? Turn yourself inside out, tear down the wall and bring out the treasures you hide and have forgotten about... you're unique, but look at the sky and see how similar we all are...

Be true to yourself. The sun is shining! The light inside is brighter!

Say it:
Semper fi! Semper fi!

2002-03-15T15:11:00.000-08:00

Agh...

Crap. Life's so unfair... you wouldn't know it, but all the good people I know are in so much more trouble than I can stand to look at. I feel helpless and beaten. I try to reach out as much as I can, help, assist, support. But I stumble and fall, rise up again and carry the load anew. My life should be carefree from what is real and what has happened to me over the years. My life is no misery, my problems are just a speck in the everlasting storm of misfortune to the others. See the beautiful people around you, see them being eaten away, torn, eroded by thoughts, doubts and destructive events. See them being rocked by the storm, see them stumble, hear them bending and recovering again...

Had a conversation with Seth about religion today... and a deep conversation with my AD&D group this wednesday about it, too. And a few weeks before I talked to the 20-year old christian who recently converted to the islamic faith. But after reading Seths point about God being just I almost laughed aloud. What a pathetic concept. God would create evil and hardship so we might choose between him and THIS alternative. Psah! What kind of alternative is this!? A jealous God that cast us out into the rainstorm, shuts the door and tells us to get back in.

But not only that, it's so fucking unfair. One bastard with a moustache walks free and is totally unhindered to mess up people's lives, hardworking monks get shelled and executed, babies get abandoned and people are torn up by rampaging disasters on a daily basis. While others just sit around and earn money, toil or sweat. So how fair is that, God? What kind of justice is THAT? You're not just.. you created good and evil, but you won't accept the consequences of doing so and blame it on mankind. You're pathetic. And I sincerely hope you went on a few millenia of sabbatical after your week of hard work, Divine Tard, because I would be damned ashamed of myself if I was You.

So what do I do? I sit around, getting frustrated at the mess I wander through... try to be a good person. Try to be what I would want others to be for me if things would come to that. But it makes me sad.. the realisation of all this cruelty and the injustice of it all grabs me by the guts and drags me across three streets, beats me up and leaves me and my scarred heart broken in a dumpster while the whinos piss against it.

It gives a whole meaning to the saying: good guys finish last. Too few people believe in humanity.. too few people find an eye for quality and respect. Is everybody so cluttered up within themselves to see the pain they cause? Why must the good people be hurt because other people kick in the door, mess up the furniture and randomly punch around and take advantage of exactly this sort of kindness and caring? And I'm not talking about me... as I said.. it is only for people with REAL problems. But damn... it bites. It really bites.

There is no God.
There is not enough justice.
There are only humans. And you can believe in only a few of them. Test yourself. Ask yourself, are you a human being? Are you a child of God or are you a child of your own beliefs? Answer it...

Stay Human.

2002-03-15T05:57:00.000-08:00

Right.. I think I'll leave it at this... don't forget to set your links to the main page, guys... and fire away with them comments.

Here's my own todolist:
- Dig up blogger-archive-codes, since blogger.com is so nice as not to supply them.
- Make above Disce-picture come up in CENTER of those two divs... someone help me?
- Find a redirect site and register a FREE domain
- make fancy CSS scrollbars instead of the ugly grey ones.
- wait for suggestions and fix those.
- target=_new in your a href tag?

There you have it. I'm done! New layout in place.

2002-03-15T05:17:00.000-08:00

Hey.. hold your horses.. I'm still busy...

also, point your links and bookmarks to HERE, because that's the real page. Anyway... I gots to get me one of those dynamic redirect domain names.. Waaaah! Somebody help me!

2002-03-15T02:29:00.000-08:00

Right. Here goes...

2002-03-12T06:57:00.000-08:00

I don't know..
There are so many questions going though my head right now I'm not sure where to put all of it. I've been under a lot of stress lately and I feel like crawling away somewhere. It might not be surprising and I don't mean to scare anybody, but I wondered why I collect all these objects around me which could only mean death... As for the questions:

Who am I?
What am I doing?
What do people want from me?
What part of me is real?
Am I a good person?
Do BAD things happen to me?
Why can't I be happy?
Where will I be in five years' time?
Why does the world slap you in the face when you think things just quieted down?
Should I expect my friends to be my friends and treat me as one of theirs?
Or am I just a wandering fool...
..and should that be the end of my desires and expectations?

I have no answers to these questions and I suppose I won't get the answers to any of them in my life. But life goes on and whether I would be convinced of something or not is not a thing that keeps the world from turning. So it means I'll push on and keep lifting the weight for an undefined period, I guess. I won't give up, no-one needs a sulking person and I would be making a sharp turning into a viscsious circle. Giving in would mean I'd surely be making a call to support that would probably only scare people away. And it's not worth that, not worth that at all.

Besides, at times like these I shouldn't ask these things that would normally pop-up in anyone's head overtime. It's not really new, nor is there a real urgency to it this time. In fact, I must sound really selfish actually mentioning these things to you right now. I guess that's okay though.. if you were to actually leaf through the archives to see my first entry you'll find that I was just trying to write down my thoughts and that I was trying to be as honest as possible. I've been slacking lately, because of all the things going on and the general privacy of those I care for. And that's not going to change: Those I call friends can rest assured that I'll do everything to warrant their trust in me and most of them know I'd do a lot if only they'd let me be their friend in the end. I might not be a good person, but I'll give it my best shot

Having said that, let's move on to the more trivial things in life:
Mondaymorning I did the all-important test. Although I suppose I learned well it felt just like I did after the other three tests, which I failed in a grand dramatic way. Lots of people left the classroom prematurely and I was actually the very last student to leave the teacher (who by that time had picked up his morning paper again) in the room. I guess it was due to knowing my whole internship hinged on it, but I wonder if I actually managed to pull extra points out of it. Who knows? We'll know soon enough, results should be in at the end of this week.

After that we had this really nice Chairmen-meeting which wasn't half as informative as I hoped it to be. Maybe that was due to all the other groups having more problems than we do. That MIGHT be helped by the fact that they already cancelled our entire budget, but it meant I had to sit on my ass for two hours, dreaming away. Or should I say dozing away? I shouldn't have stayed up that late.. I'm mad.

But at the end I was rudely shaken... someone told me the small trip they had planned to go to Cébit (Yurp's largest annual computer convention) wasn't due in..err... 'the time it takes for hell to freeze over', but this weekend. Scared me shitless. However, it isn't an all-weekender, it's just Sunday. How they're going to manage driving 3.5 hours to Hannover with 9 people in a rented van: I don't know. I do know that for safety's sake I'm going to monitor the speedometer and volunteer to drive the van myself. Why? Well, because I DO have 2,5 years experience and I did drive in Germany before. Besides... how do they think they'll divide the14 hours? I don't think they asked anyone else. Might as well volunteer. Another really clumsy RealTime setup

I'll have to travel home on friday though. I have to take care of the parrot while my parents go visit my grandparents again. Sure, I could have gone with them, but I don't want to. Not right now. Not those grandparents. I'll visit on a later date. I'm sure they'll be okay.

Today I got my new programming assignment. Why I had to rise so early for it, I don't know. The accompanying class was boring, uninteresting and totally redundant.Tomorrow I'll have a yearbook meeting once again and I'll have to work on this assignment under supervision during two hours.. yay.. -_-

Meanwhile I realise it's getting harder and harder to talk to people. Even now I don't know what to say to Patti. Even now I don't know what to say or do. But this kind of thinking just gets me back to the upper part of this entry. So I'll leave it be... I just hope everybody remembers my inner intentions and recognises them for what they truely are -_-

2002-03-10T13:32:00.000-08:00

Wtf am I doing...

What...

fuck..

Snap out of it. I have a test tomorrow. 8:30 AM. It'll decide whether I go on internship next semester or not. Better get my head in the books now and get to work... otherwise it'll all be over.

2002-03-07T14:06:00.000-08:00

Name: Bart Wesdorp
Nicknames: B, Kael, K-chan, K-san, Kaë-san. Sad, really...
Sex: Male
Born: 1981
Born in: Eindhoven, Communal Hospital
Resides in: Hovering between Drachten and Groningen. Mostly in Groningen on a 13 square meter stamp.
Height: 1.90 m or near that, anyway
Eyes/Hair: very dark blonde/gray-green with a hint of brown
Shoe size: 43 European
Ethnicity: que? I don't believe in ethnic groups. But dad is dutch and mom's partly from Indonesia. Myself, I'm 1/8th indonesian..or.. 1/16th. Can't remember.
Sign: Left
Smoke: no
Drink: yes. But very little
Shampoo: SebaMed anti-dandruff crap, like any other person
Conditioner: no
Toothpaste: Aquafresh Natural Whitening. Tastes like shit, doesn't whiten. But boy, you'll be fresh for a loooong time
Dental floss: I use one of those funky electric sonic toothbrushes, no need
Deodorant: Infasil. The most neutral I can find.
What are you wearing?: Dark jeans, blue sporty fleece with rolled-up sleeves.

Last...

Thing you said?: Goodnight, sleep well.
Watched: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Person you spoke to: in person? Dormmate.
I need: a secure surrounding in which I'll worry less
I find: life can be tougher than you think
I want: people to be happy for once, so I can be, too
I wish: there was a 'Happiness for dummies' (tm) book
I hate: feeling alone
I miss: travelling
I fear: being left alone
I feel: sick at the moment. Due to flue, I think
I hear: some bastard honking in the middle of the night
I smell: nothing. My nose doesn't want to cooperate
I crave: warmth
I search: friendships and acceptance
I wonder: if I will ever find what I'm searching for

When was the last time I...

Smiled?: a few hours ago
Laughed?: yesterday, at an AD&D session
Cried?: ehm. A while ago.
Bought something?: Today. Dinner and groceries. You gotta eat..
Danced?: Wow. THAT is long long ago.. reminds me of how long it's been since I went out to dance last. Lemme think: about.. a month ago. Sad, isn't it? I played pool and lasergamed more often.. is more fun anyway
Were sarcastic?: Probably today. I do that.
Kissed someone?: Too long ago
Talked to an ex?: Thankfully, long long ago
Watched your favorite movie?: What SINGLE favorite movie? Besides... I only play them once or twice so I don't spoil em.
Had a nightmare?: Ehm. Two weeks ago.. I think after visiting grandparents and stuff

What was the...

Last book you read?: Salman Rushdie - Midnight's Children
Last movie you saw?: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Last thing you had to drink?: this beer I just finished
Last time you showered?: this morning
Last thing you ate?: cookie. How interesting, eh?

Do you...

Smoke?: no
Do drugs?: no
Have sex?: sure, if the circumstances are right
Sleep with stuffed animals?: no
Live in the moment?: I dunno where else to live. I don't travel in time
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: I consider it that way
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: no
Play an instrument?: no, I probably forgot how by now
Remember your first love?: yes
Still love him/her?: no.
Read the newspaper?: yes
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: I don't think so
Believe in miracles yes, but of the human kind
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: yes
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: yes
Consider love a mistake?: no
Like the taste of alcohol?: not really
Have a favorite candy?: not that I can think of
Believe in astrology?: neah. Rubbish
Believe in magic?: Copperfield is neat, but only because it's a nice illusionist
Believe in God?: No. I don't think he wants us to think about him even if he did exist
Pray?: No. Why?
Go to church?: No, not regularly. Only for funerals or weddings
Have any secrets?: Yeah, sure. It would be stupid to say I don't have any.
Have any pets?: No. I use my parents' pets for that ^_^
Go to or been to college?: Still going...
Talk to strangers who instant message you?: No, and they don't. Which is a good thing.
Wear hats?: No. Looks silly. Besides, I don't have any
Have any piercings?: Just the wound I have..
Have any tattoos?: No. Icky business
Hate yourself?: Sure. I'm a real champ in that.
Have an obsession?: I don't think so
Have a best friend?: I think so
Wish on stars?: No. I never see any either way.
Like your handwriting?: It serves a purpose.
Have any bad habits?: Ehm, too much to name. Look at the 'hate yourself?' entry
Care about looks?: Yes, but only so much
Believe in witches?: If that was bitches, yeah.. but witches are silly..
Believe in ghosts?: Nope.

Favorite mall food: They serve good food in malls here? since when!? Oh, wait.. maybe Hema sausage
Least favorite: Everything else, I guess. I don't care for mall food
Favorite kool-aid flavor: Tropical
Least favorite?: I didn't try the really foul looking tastes, so I wouldn't know
Favorite appliance: the nuker, of course
Least favorite: the potato knife
Favorite cartoon: Ehm.. Cowboy Bebop?
Least favorite: DBZ
Favorite sound: Jazz
Least favorite: Techno
Favorite coin: The large 2 Euro coin
Least favorite: The tiny 1 center.. it can hardly be found in your wallet
Favorite over the counter drug: favorite?! Excuse me? I'll take paracetamol (aspirin) when I need it, thank you
Least favorite: ehm. Guess that would be paracetamol too
Favorite letter: Never thought about it. I guess I like the O for its sound and shape
Least favorite: G. You should know how we pronounce that in dutch
Favorite animal: dog
Least Favorite animal: musquitos! I hate them! Blast them all to hell!
Favorite John Cusack movie: who?
Least favorite: who?
Favorite thing to drink out of: 'Recycled' spa bottle
Least favorite: anything not made to drink out of :P

I know.. it's a bit on the negative side. But then again, that's probably me.

2002-03-07T04:48:00.000-08:00

I hate it when tests are so freakishly right.

What is your meaning of life?

Hey, guess
what? I'm a--

What
color Yoshi are you? Come take the quiz!

2002-03-06T02:38:00.000-08:00

Well.. off to my meeting...

2002-03-06T02:25:00.000-08:00

This is all very frustrating -_- I don't know where it will leave me in the end, but everybody seems to want to push me away lately. There are exceptions, of course, and that is of course a blessing. But the others matter too in my life, and that's getting me down.

What would it take to change the world so everybody I think deserves it is happy? God, I wish I could do that...

And as for Kaiou, I'd like her to stop squealing. So if you're gonna burn the bridges, leave it at that. Don't go stomping around like some wronged kid. And that Sango understood? No kidding, he has the same sort of 'superiority'-shield. But if you keep on spreading your blackness around I WILL do something about it. Just go away and be unhappy elsewhere. It's not like we need any more unhappiness anyhow.

Here, today's song is: Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah You can download it from here, too..

2002-03-04T05:12:00.000-08:00

There's a song that should accompany those photos.. well, at least I thought it was somehow appropriate to the current mood this weekend

Blind Guardian - Black Chamber

Also, a few pictures from the bajonet I brought home. It's a japanese bajonet which my grandpa found just after he was freed from the japanese camps in Indosia. The long dark blade's only purpose is penetration and intimidation and was probably one of the symbols of fear and dread in the camps themselves. For me it reminds me of the japanese aggression, the pacific world war itself and the pain and death that surround(s)ed it. The bajonet remains a lethal weapon; it's point is still sharp and the whole thing is well-preserved.

Looking at it I pondered power and struggle again, but more on that later... currently our broadband is down and I'm just typing this while I process the rest of the pictures from this weekend on my fathers laptop. I bet he ain't happy if I use his modem too long. Hmm, I'll bring my mother to hospital in one hour.. so even for that there is little time.
1
2
3

2002-03-04T03:55:00.000-08:00

Processed some photos.. well.. let's see if you can catch the mood

These I made while I had to photo-document the two apartmemts. One for memories, the other as a reference to build the new plans on.
One week ago: empty room, barren land
One week ago: a peek at a very hard conversation

These my father took while the rest of the family went home.
Last weekend: ...
Last weekend: ...
Last weekend: ... (!)

2002-03-04T03:08:00.000-08:00

Monday.. again, high noon.

Slept surprisingly well, though of course my sleeping rhythm is shot to hell. When I woke I found out my mom had to go to the hospital today @_@ And.. she didn't tell me, which is worse. I suppose I haven't typed it out but when mom came back from that minor surgery she was really unstable and shaky, I was happy to go along back then. Now today is just a check-up but she told me it is likely that they will perform minor surgery the instant something's wrong. So, yeah.. there you have it. She can't drive back home so I guess it's up to me to take care of her. Of course, Mom didn't want to bust up my schedule more than she already did the last few weeks (that's why she didn't tell me), but I get really annoyed by these silly people thinking stuff for me when they can perfectly well predict what I want (and yes, people, that's a hint :P). I mean, fibbing and not telling stuff for the sake of others is a very sympathetic gesture, but one has to know me well enough to judge what to fib about and when. It's silly to find out people have been doing things for your sake when it would have been quite possible I would have wanted to know. Anyway, random rant.

What this means, though, is that I'm stuck here for the remainder of the afternoon. Tonight I'll travel home of course, so I'll be able to catch those I promised to talk to yesterday, after dinner *nodnod*. Not to worrry, not to worry.

Anyway, so much for this heads-up.. bye bye *waves*

2002-03-03T04:03:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am, Sunday march the third at high noon writing a tidbit of information into a seemingly appropriate white textbox again. Peachy...
Today I'm going to wander around aimlessly for a while, because I'm tired and have one hell of a headache. Otherwise it's good. Survived the weekend and all, gently lying back for the remainder of today, so why not type out some meaningless online related thoughts? Then after I will try to tell what happened and stuffo.. nothing too bad, you might actually laugh a little. Don't kill me if I don't though :P

Kaiou cancelled our friendship due to vague personality problems and an eery desire to accuse me of being a selfish malicious manipulator who can't take a hint and should have opened up more instead of all that scary, icky caring business. Woopsydaisy, her being the first to ever accuse me of this, I decided to say goodbye to her and wish her well and whatnot. Thought she might do the same, but no go: she's too busy resorting to petty assumptions and insults to even wish me well. Guess she was serious when she said she thought I was a 'lesser human'. Pathetic. Oh well, this is done, no desire to put any effort in this anymore.

Ayiana became paranoid lately, or so I just read on the forum. She seemed to accuse Desu (her best friend, whatever) of being an imposter, made up of several persons or otherwise not being trustworthy. Cool idea, pity it wasn't mine. Not that I would have put in so much effort just to annoy her, it seems like a good way of getting a few kicks out of laughing at her. Not to mention I will finally be able to see what this 'foruming'-thing means. Should be good!
Well, not that this even matters, but it makes me feel like secretly plotting revenge again. It was calmed by the realisation that to put my feelings behind me I had to work at them inside, and not work on some reaction on A's part. However, I don't take lightly on being scammed, used and cast aside so it's safe to say it might be wise for her to be paranoid: she has a real and not at all weak enemy. In any case, it's a cool thing to plot and think about... we'll see, we'll see..

Got that internship-thing secure last week.. got a few conversations with a few teachers. (begging stuff.. eww.. stupid teachers can't even communicate properly. Always the same attitude: "Who are you? What do you want? Go away! Oh god, don't even BEGIN to think about asking me something. We're here for the students? Hah! You believe that? I can perfectly well get my salary without even pretend to try that kind of student-focussed attitude, thank you very much". Guess it's true: all IT-teachers are company failures and communicationally challenged system administrator rejects.) Anyway, I could run along with the intake-procedures while I didn't have all the required grades as long as I took and passed the test that would take place during said process... Now to actually pass that test *nodnod*

(Hey, that wasn't online-related at all.. go figure. Makes for a proffesional bridge to our next subject, though)

Raconte de battaille

Thursday night, 20:00 to 24:00
Came home to my parents' place.. nice mood, nice and touchy people, nice and RESTED people: everybody was on edge. If it was only the impending weekend ('o doom) it would have been uncool already, but now we had to collect and pack the stuff we needed for Friday, finish the curtains (4 of them. Godawful job) AND tidy up the entire house because potential buyers would come and make a tour through the house 1 hour after our projected time of departure. No pressure, no pressure at all!
Went to bed relatively early after aggrevating my parents enough by not going to bed at the exact time they deemed appropriate.

Friday morning, 8:00 to 12:00
Packed the necessary stuff, finished making the house representable, almost forgot the curtains. Me and mom rode out at approx 9:45 (that was exactly 15 minutes before we had to be scarce because of the buyers) and arrived two and a half hours later. I drove, mom was (of course) rather shaky and needed the rest. Arrived, found my grandparents having lunch in the kitchend and we ate our own (cold) sandwiches in the room besides that. Heard them quarreling, tasted the bitter mood of the rest of the day. 50 years in the same 4 roomed house..

Friday 12:00 to 18:00
Began packing stuff, grandparents hovered all over the place. Sometimes going into open conflict with eachother and us, other times obstructing our work. We went along quietly yet persistantly, agreeing to meet their trivial additions, 'forgetting' to add stuff where it wasn't needed. Hard stuff... 50 years in the same house, never able to throw away anything. They should have sorted out what they wanted, what they needed a few years ago. Now neither one of them was capable of doing that anymore and we had the task to make do with that situation while we had only a few hours to pack...
Halfway through mom asked me to go to their appartment, take the stuff and prepare as much as I could... Drove there, placed the curtains (of course, many tiny problems), fixed the electrical system, did much needed odd-jobs and got stuff done with the personell present.
Drove back, helped some more. We got a few boxes packed, and as a last thing we ate a little with them. Another situation I would rather not have been in. Otherwise, ok. Mom decided we better get a few boxes out of the way first. Did that last thing that evening, it was severely draining to carry those four up two flights of stairs, opening doors with them heavy things in your arms. Cute idea..

Friday night 18:00 to 1:00
We arrived at my other grandpa severely beat.. sat back and talked some. I nearly dozed off multiple times and just when I thought: "Yes! Only 30 minutes and I can go to bed" dad called.. mom took the phone and you could physically SEE her aura changing to pure blackness (not that I see auras on a regular basis ^_-).. and you're going to laugh at this one, but when our father was packing HIS car with tools and stuff he accidentally dropped his keys in the back of his car. And it was locked. Mom had the only spare key.. so you guessed it: time for me to roll out and drive all the way back again. Peachy.. and with my luck of course I missed the right turning because of an accident at the appropritate bypass, adding another 45 minutes to my trip. Beat and tired, I found a note which told me my sister and I would delay our departure (while our father would go leave earlier)by..an entire hour! So, with as many hours of rest open to me a one-armed bandit could count, I ran upstairs, threw all my clothes over the chair and went right to bed.

Saturday 6:00 to 18:00
got about 4.5 hours of sleep me and my sister left for The Hague. But not till after my dad called at the break of dawn, telling us he forgot his wallet and was now travelling at 170 kmh without a license, trying to make it to the The Hague to make it to the assigned time to pick up the rented trailer AFTER he got my brother out of Delft (because my brother was the only source of money to PAY for it). So again, I was heading out to bring mr. CEO his essential stuff.. hooray for cellular phones.
We arrived at my grandparents' old home the same time my mother (who was still stuck at the other grandparents' place due to lack of carriness and had to be picked up by dad as well), and the rest of the family arrived. We shooed our grandparents out of their old house and to our other grandpa who would take care of them for today.
After that, the five of us took care of the rest for the rest of that day. We made two trips with the trailer, carrying all the heavy furniture upstairs. Packed everything in boxes and put it all back for as much as we could. Heavy stuff, but only practical and physical work, so it was alright. Of course, we stumbled upon some heavy historical memories in that dusty old house, but we didn't have much time to reflect, so we just packed, moved and put away.

Saturday night 18:00 to 24:00
Family dinner at my grandpa's, ate chinese. Grandparents' were tense and scared, of course but otherwise it was relatively lighthearted. Since most of the work was done and more people would only slow things down my parents decided that all the children better leave to their respective homes while they installed our grandparents into their new home. So after a few goodbyes and coffee I drove my sister back home, up north.

Slept lousy, feel lousy, but this thing is behind us now.. good riddance. Now we can only HOPE they will fit in, because the other alternatives are damn grim..

2002-02-28T08:28:00.000-08:00

Take the "How immature are you?" Test

created by sami

2002-02-27T16:04:00.000-08:00

Not by me, of course

When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone

I did not believe because I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars

Chorus:
Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Then the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and the fire

Chorus

Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars

Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares

Chorus

Please remember me
Please remember me, ...

2002-02-27T02:06:00.000-08:00

This one was actually written (by me) for other people... yeah, I know

Whatever happened to life?
Whatever happened to justice?
What has this world become;
A taste like a bitter-sweet kiss

Bright eyes,
blinded by fear of life
Open eyes,
unable to see

I can hear your heart beat,
You can hear mine
There is darkness about
But it is not yours nor mine

Bright eyes, blinded by fear of life
Open eyes, unable to truly see

The pain inside is rising,
The world is a cruel place
But the world is yours to shape
Your choice: what will you face?

Bright eyes, blinded by fear of life
Open eyes, unable to truly see

Can you hear me, (can you hear me?)
The sea beating at the shore
Stand tall, you are a mountain
Focus, focus, what do you need the world for?

Bright eyes, blinded by fear of life
Open eyes, unable to truly see
I turn your head around, no more of that
There is no world, there is only you and me
It is better to dream, better to look inside
And find a better symphony

2002-02-27T02:01:00.000-08:00

A GREEN Dragon Lies Beneath!

I took the Inner Dragon online quiz and found out I am a Green Dragon on the inside. My Inner Dragon is the embodiment of Nature and the Earth. Greens spend almost all of their time below the canopy or just above the treetops in tropical rain forests. Not a bad life considering every other creature in the forest looks up to me, figurativly and literally. I speak the language of every animal and plant in my domain and know most of them by first name. If people mess with my forests, I'm more than happy to wail on their puny butts. Because of my protector/caretaker role, I am the Earth Elemental dragon.

Naturally my whole life pretty much revolves around the other couple million species I keep an eye on, but that's not my whole dragon. I also like to like to impose my steadfast will on others, commune with Nature, and lobby governments for alternative fuels and conservation. My favorable attributes are gemstones, mountains, caves, soil, respect, endurance, responsibility, prosperity, and purpose in life. Folks shouldn't get the idea I'm a hippy push-over though, because my breath weapon is a nasty Fire/Acid combination. Maybe I should invest in a hemp shirt reading "Don't knock my smock, or I'll clean your clock." *wink*

2002-02-21T11:40:00.000-08:00

Mother is fine.. tomorrow I'll take over care for some odd things and stuff. Nothing too bad.

Today's mood: fuzzy
Today's feeling: tired
Today's thought: Inadequacy

2002-02-21T03:23:00.000-08:00

Today, I'm leaving for my parents' place early... I'm going to have to escort my mom to the hospital and drive her home again. Not looking forward to that, I don't like going to hospitals for business..

What is worst, though, is that all this shouldn't be added up to the troubles my parents are facing these days. Saturday we'll travel south again to visit my grandparents. I decided I'd better go with them, bleh.

Plus, tomorrow I'll have the doctor have a look at the odd wound I had (and cut open again recently) because it's not really getting any better yet. Damn, I sure hope he's not going to have some surgeon cut in it again, last time that happened nothing good happened.

2002-02-19T06:17:00.000-08:00

I am ELMO.

I'm cute, cute, as a button!

Which Sesame Street Character Are You?

2002-02-19T02:54:00.000-08:00

Whoo! Shitload of testies directly from Kageki's sitey!

Which Action Star Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

Just stuffed full of surprises. No one ever knows what you're going to do next. The greatest mystery to you is, naturally, "how do they get the caramel in the Caramilk bars?"

Strawberry: 40/100 Pear: 20/100 Banana: 40/100 Tomato: 10/100 Lemon: 0/100

Take the What Fruit Are You? test by Ellen and Aaron!

Ahh.. and now I can't reach Kageki's blog anymore.. pity...

2002-02-18T03:06:00.000-08:00

Pictures that make you go 'awww':

Hello birdy!
Hello birdy! Cold today, is it?

2002-02-17T08:30:00.000-08:00

Hmm.. I need to liven this thing a bit up, I think.. I don't deserve to weigh my problems in like they matter at these times. So... instead, I'd like to take just about the last time I have for being online to rectify the mood a little. I'm not doing that bad at all, so none of you has to worry about. Don't give it another thought :P

Instead of that, go take a look at my portfolio over at photo.net. As some of you might know: I like to shoot photographs.. well.. actually, it has only been my hobby since November, so don't expect me to be any good yet ^_^;; Oh well, just look:

My portfolio.. out of maybe 6 or 7 rolls of film

2002-02-17T07:55:00.000-08:00

A time for memories...

The documents from last weekend, still burning in my head as I watch these photos..

1

2
caption: "Why did it go wrong?"

3
Why did my grandparents keep this set of surgical knifes in their possesion? I took this photograph because I was going to cut a wound open last week. My mind now wanders and thinks they might have thought of using it to close one...

Damn this world...

2002-02-17T03:21:00.000-08:00

Quick, quick blog...

As all around me people seem to get themselves deeper in shit, I'm forcing myself to keep my head up, yep yep. Again, not really a superficial entry today, because I just HAD to blog about that Ayiana herself has decided to leave the forums as an active poster. What does this mean? What will happen next? Oh damn, I was hoping I would make an end to it, so as not to feel left behind or anything. Well, well.. we'll see what happens from here.

Shall I give her a PM asking to speak to Clare about all this? After all.. she's the only one I have unfinished business with...

Well, miss you, everybody, another busy day....

2002-02-14T09:30:00.000-08:00

Comment functionality? Please?

Now I can see who's been reading up on this mindboggling nonsense.. so please, if you read this, leave a message. .or two.. three.. perhaps.. Just come back and do it more ^_^

2002-02-14T08:50:00.000-08:00

Hmm.. I learned that someone I always thought was the most idealistic (and thusly honourable) member of AFTP has been treated worse than I was... Yes, very disturbing. It made me feel like I should finally lash out at Ayiana and crush her petty existence on the forums. Not that I bother to reply to anything there anymore. Recently I've just been seen wallowing in pity and sadness about the loss of what the forums once were...

Now that BinoX left, for eerily similar reasons to my own dismay and Emizzon has taken a (temporary?) leave of abscense.. what is there? I mean, there are people I value knowing around there, but I manage to see them in different ways anyway, so why hold on to a shitty set of php scripts?

So why bother putting energy into shattering Ayiana's story? Because I feel I am to blame for whatever succes her scam had. People have been hurt, lots of money has been wasted, and I'm out for revenge. Not for me, I don't do that kind of stuff for myself, but to keep others from the aggrivation that is the Yardley-situation... and to somewhere repay my debt to the people I have lured into this deathtrap.. was Ayiana worth it if everything turns out to be true in the end: I don't know, as a human, I say yes, as a person, I say no.. if that is a real person with that kind of issues I see no reason why I have extended my hand and helped her. Even if it was to save a life, most precious of things. I can't be that kind of saint while all these doubts keep surrounding everyone, and none are cleared or proven false..See my dillema?

But it is a useless argument with myself, because it doesn't matter. The life-threatening situation is over, and we have to face the fact that in normal life Ayiana is no friend of anybody, that she is a threat to everyone's feelings, a dismisser of care, a male-o-phobe at heart and a malevolent presence. So what will I do? Will I take my chances and ruin her reputation that she can no longer face her former peers? Will I leave it and know that people are being hurt, mistreated and misled? If only there was an answer..

Meanwhile, things are slowly looking up for me again.. after being pushed into the ground by what happened these last few days, I see that the clouds are slowly parting again.. it's Valentine's today. Who knows?

2002-02-13T10:25:00.000-08:00

I'm secretly thinking of talking to myself... in here. Just an interview to see who I am, what I want, what's bothering me. Is that a good idea? I don't know. I know YOU will read it, should I be scared? Do you think it'll only depress me? Do you think I will subconsciously resort to putting myself down by my own questions and answers? I know that particular risk is immense.. I'm self-destructive after all.

People tell me I'm trying too hard, thinking too hard. I wish I wouldn't.. maybe I'd be better off being an anti-social nitwit. Would I be happy then? Would I stop being so overly sensitive to everything? Why am I asking myself these questions, without giving answers.. maybe this interview isn't such a bad idea. We'll see.

Am I brave enough?

Will people still remember me for who I am, for how I care, for who I was and for how I acted? Or will I just be a whining fool.. I don't really know.. people judge far too quickly and rudely to my taste..

2002-02-13T02:29:00.000-08:00

Today's thought: You are born alone and you die alone.
Today's song: Nick Drake - When the day is done

So here I am again.. not sure of who I am, not sure of what to do. Even though I can keep up appearances and genuinely help people, in the end I cannot hide my weaknesses. So, once again, I have scared people away, dissapointed people, all because of my person. Why? Where is the forgiveness? I suppose everybody's in their right to be dissapointed.. but you see.. this is why I hide it.

All it comes down to is that although I long for acceptance, i cannot get it. Should I be a leatherclad numbskull who faces all and chooses to ignore other people's feelings? Do you think such a person would be happy? Do you think I would be happy as such a person?

Not willing to hurt anyone's feelings I am torn across the place.. I cannot let anyone go, and as I do so I am constantly reminded that in the end, I cannot be accepted for who I am, and what I do. I wish somebody would understand in the purest sense, but that would only mean that I wish people would not blame me for being me. See, people DO understand me. That's what bothers me..

So how can I accept myself if nobody else does? I can't.
Meanwhile, I'm hurting people just the same.. I offered all my apologies, except the one that cannot be spoken: the apology for being who I am. Though I guess that's the only thing that matters.

I think I was better off when I didn't express my desires. flaws and needs, because they're not pretty. I wish I could crawl away.. huddle up and just be alone for a while. But I won't. I have responsibilities to these friends just the same, and I intend to do everything in my power to help, to be the same person I was before. But now you know: Kael is a weakling and a fool just the same.. I wish I could make up for that, but maybe I can't...

I will go to my meeting now. Good luck, I will be back, just the same.

2002-02-12T14:40:00.000-08:00

Recreation:
BlueDolphin> blah..
BlueDolphin> i'm going back to my IMs on aol
Kael> bye Patti
BlueDolphin> PM me if nuclear war is eminent
Hime-sama> Ja Pattie
rawsuds> byby blue

Immediate PM:
Kael> FEAR THE RUSSIANS!
BlueDolphin> those darn russians...knew we shouldn't have trusted 'em..lol
Kael> Watch the inuits, too!
Kael> They have LOTS of snow and ice to hide nuclear silos under!
BlueDolphin> lol...how do you know all this?!
Kael> Male intuition, of course
Kael> and contacts, babe, contacts...
BlueDolphin> lol
BlueDolphin> sure sure
Kael> Contacts with GOD!
Kael> and the alien race, of course
BlueDolphin> aliens..and god...and the inuits....who'd have thought they were all connected?
Kael> I did! My kidney turned this odd pale of green today
Kael> so that's how I knew
BlueDolphin> *solemn nod* of course..kidneys know these things
Kael> They do indeed..
Kael> especially when you ate eggplants before
BlueDolphin> yuck..
Kael> Nobody said wisdom was cheap :P
BlueDolphin> if that's the price, i don't want it
Kael> It's eggplants, against infinite kidney precognition?
Kael> Look! Look at the possibilities!
Kael> Contacts with God, meetings with cool aliens from Zeta 5, eternal vigilance over the worldly peace, what more do you want?
Kael> (btw, the parties at Zeta 5 are really happening!)
BlueDolphin> i....don't like egg plant
BlueDolphin> and i don't think i'd want my kidney to know all those things
Kael> So travel with us! Travel with Eggplant Inc!
Kael> I sense.. I sense.. the kidney is strong in this one! You will make good jedi, patti! May teh kidney be with you!
BlueDolphin> lol
Kael> do not turn to the dark side! Eat eggplants!
BlueDolphin> you remind me so much of somebody i knew once...its scary
Kael> Trust your kidney, young one..
BlueDolphin> i'm not eating eggplants!
Kael> Oh! But you are! You don't know what the aliens are feeding you in your sleep!
BlueDolphin> i don't think my stomach would tolerate being forcefed eggplant
Kael> it is a confusion.. they use it only on females, so it is generally accepted as being female intuition
Kael> Your stomach doesn't have anything to do with it >:)
BlueDolphin> pssh
BlueDolphin> i'm not being fed eggplant!
Kael> are too!
BlueDolphin> are not! how would you know??
Kael> are too! My kidney knows!
BlueDolphin> you can't tell from that far away! its impossible!
Kael> besides, I had a little chat with da top dawg from Zeta 5
Kael> I know all about their Secret Eggplant Implantation Ploy.. yes, indeed
Kael> They're plotting an evil plan to save the world.. yes yes
BlueDolphin> ahahah..then i guess you can be the first to know..that i'm the leader of the resistance movement!
Kael> Damn you! I will take special note and report you to the proper alien authorities!
Kael> You're in trouble! God is omniscient and he already knew this..
BlueDolphin> if he already knew about this, why haven't they come for me before? hmm?
Kael> I bet the aliens will come and take you to st Peter at heaven this very night!
BlueDolphin> ahaha...the protection works! i was the test subject, and it works! they can never find me!
Kael> You don't understand, we have to replace this Patti Jordan for a better, more willing person..
Kael> but I can't act like I understand..
BlueDolphin> ha ha ha...they'll have a fine time trying, i'm sure
Kael> God works in mysterious ways, so I have no clue in hell what that Dude is up to
Kael> Maybe I shouldn't even know this.. maybe they're still secretly feeding your eggplant
Kael> maybe you're being WATCHED!
BlueDolphin> hmmm..probably..but maybe you are too
Kael> I know I am, but I'm happy to train my kidney.. I'm already very strong!
BlueDolphin> you're nothing but a pawn...doesn't that bother you?
Kael> not at all, for I serve the top dawg and Gawd, and my kidney is beautiful!
BlueDolphin> *shakes head* but what'll happen when your usefulness has worn off? you'll vanish just like the ones before you
Kael> Gawd forgives, and I will be in heaven soon.. I do not fear apocalypse!
BlueDolphin> a victim of the brainwashing effects of eggplant...i'm saddened
Kael> You, unruly rebel, you will have a different fate..
BlueDolphin> they'll have to catch me first
BlueDolphin> and if they catchme, they have to keep me
Kael> Apocalypse cannot be escaped..
BlueDolphin> apocalypse can be prevented
Kael> Death is not an option, it's a certainty
BlueDolphin> apocalypse can be survived as well
Kael> There ARE no superlatives for Gawd, so how will you surpass him?
BlueDolphin> if i told you that, you would know everything, and you would know our plan
Kael> I'm sure god knows anyway, he's omniscient
BlueDolphin> i don't see him doing anything about it
Kael> I guess he's a good sport :P
BlueDolphin> lol
BlueDolphin> good for him...believes in fair play
Kael> or he's curious ^_^
BlueDolphin> curiosity killed the cat
Kael> cats ain't gods.. different class.. :P
BlueDolphin> lol
BlueDolphin> an answer for everything..
Kael> talk to God :P
BlueDolphin> hmm..
Kael> hmm?
BlueDolphin> yah..hmm..;c)
Kael> ah.. hmm...
Kael> I think I'll blog this conversation in return :P
BlueDolphin> lol
BlueDolphin> go ahead ;c)
BlueDolphin> i fear no blog, no comments, no public opinion
BlueDolphin> bring it on ;c)
Kael> Good.. tremble.